mirror of erised

what do you think you'd see
if you looked into the mirror of erised?

tea, writing, coffee, thrifting, eating...
trying to sort things out,
trying to look ahead

overpacking for the hospital

instead of saying goodbye
to the world
i try to say goodbye
to my things
for a while
and i find
it's easier to do than i thought.
sitting in a room with nothing but a bed, a desk, my thoughts and my memories
i learn that those may be
all i need
to make it to the next day.
gathering things together becomes less important than
gathering sanity,
all the sanity
i had been saving for a rainy day.
all the sanity
buried within me
with the courage and strength
and all the other treasures
i thought were lost.
i put my life in nurses' and doctors' hands
and i realize they are not the ones
who will save me.
i may have overpacked for the hospital,
but when i left my stuff in the trunk of my car
i knew
i already had everything i needed.

healing

it's nice to feel the sting again, the soreness...
it's nice to have new artwork.
but sadly, though i once welcomed this feeling of aliveness, right now i find myself upset that i am even breathing, upset that i'm able to experience this.
because it means i still have to experience all the rest of life. the shitty mess that is life.
i appreciate having at least one thing to focus on that doesn't suck, but this hurting seems to just reflect all the other areas of my life that are hurting.
i have a high tolerance for pain... but how much emotional and psychological pain can a person handle before it becomes too much? every day it seems there are new things to depress me. and it all just adds up.
but like always, i will just try to take it one day at a time, and hope for better tomorrows.

when i'm dead people will wish they had appreciated me more when i was alive.

11/6/13

the best thing about a new day
is that it's a new day
and anything can happen.
i woke up this morning around 3 from strange dreams
and then had more strange/sad dreams until i went to work at 8.
i didn't want to leave my bed
but i'm glad i did
because the day was okay.
i got to be distracted.
i cried during my lunch break
but that's okay
because they were productive tears
and things are alright again
(for the moment)
and i felt better.
when i left work i was greeted by rain. and then i came home and relaxed with a cup of tea and some pizza.
my life and my mood have so many ups and downs,
so i really appreciate moments like this when i just
exist
and i'm not feeling too much or too little.
i just am.
and it feels good.

rough day, rough life, at least there's pizza

do you ever just get tired of being yourself
you feel so useless
a waste of a person
saying the worst things
feeling the worst things
feeling so low that you don't know how you're going to pick yourself up again
wondering how you're going to put the mask on when you face the world again
and though at times it felt like you were proven wrong, you remember that
it is you after all. you are what's wrong with the world.

optimism

just because you're
stuck
in a cave
doesn't mean
you
can't see
the light shining
on the walls

and even better
is when
you
begin to
believe in the light
and trust it enough
to
let it
lead
you
to the wonders
beyond

journal 10/16/13

I feel like I've lost myself in a maze, and I can't find my way out.

general frustrations

why do i waste
time
energy
feelings
on people?
when people don't waste any
time
energy
feelings
even pretending to care.
i guess it comes down to
the fact
that no one understands
or
wants to understand.
maybe i expect too much,
but i wake up alone
go to sleep alone
and in between
i'm alone.
people go about their lives
while my world is
crumbling.
i can't blame anyone for living
but i wonder:
why do i bother
living?

leftovers

sometimes
leftovers are good
when you're feeling lazy
or you've had a busy day
but right now
i can only think about
having no one
to feed

soup existence

cooking alone and
eating alone
i wanted to cry
but the onion beat me to it
tears without emotion
without thought
without the weight
of your body
laying on my memory
fading between
the good and bad
swirling
until it all becomes
one in the bowl
losing myself in the warmth
my burnt tongue
matches the burn
left on my heart
raw and regretting
the moment i began to care

a spotless mind?

in so many states
like joel and clem
but i hope you don't erase me
from your memory
perhaps it's better if you do
perhaps it's better if i do
instead of thinking about how
we're in too many states
with
too many miles
separating us time
and time again
feeling the same
echo pull
my soul to yours
not sure how to stop
these dreams and desires
not sure if i want to
stop the chaotic lust
drinking about you
filling empty nights
filling empty thoughts
hoping they weren't
empty memories
empty now lying awake
dreaming of the way
you used to fill me
with your affection, your body,
your time now so
separate from mine
and i wonder if
there will be a time
when we exist
as something again

lately it has been a lot of nostalgia and wishful thinking. i miss her terribly.

music

listening to the music you suggested
and i feel better
but i also feel worse
thinking about the possibility of
you sitting in your room
thousands of miles away
listening to these same songs
when not long ago you were
here next to me
listening to songs
feeling songs
feeling our song consume us
and trap us in a trance
dancing delight devouring us
delusional playing
with each other's hearts
the cacophony a harmonic orchestra
in my head
lovely music

forget

i am forgetting
what it's like to
sleep
forgetting
what it's like to
feel
but as hard as i try
i can't forget
how your body used to press against mine
providing warmth on cold nights
warmth when my soul got chilly
your presence
soothing like a cup of tea
i won't forget
waking up to those blue eyes every morning
feeling like the luckiest girl in the world
i'm starting to think that
i'll never forget
the way
your words
hit me like a drop of honey
sweet on my tongue
down to the bottom of my memory
but i am forgetting
what it was like
when you weren't
in my life
and i am forgetting
how to live
without you
here

same

it
takes away the sun
each night
but that
same force
returns
the light
without fail

no
friends
no
lovers
no
thing
to remind me
why i'm living
no
air
to breathe
or exchange
only this
sadness
this
weight
this
cloud
with rain that never ceases
no
rest
for these eyes

i could go on and on, but honestly, who's even reading anymore?

bitter

bitter coffee
to get the
bitter taste
of
her name
out of my mind

handle

it takes just
one thing
to be
one thing
too many
to handle

i don't have
a handle
on these
things

looking at
the handle
of my mug
i wonder
how it
manages
to
hold
all the things
how it
remains so strong
how it
prevents
the contents
from spilling
and
the mug
from shattering

safety of the blade

dare i run to it?

used

it's hard to avoid
being used
by people.
but babe,
it felt
best
when i was
used
by you.

second time

second time in the last few days that i've woken up from a (the same) bad dream.
it is the last thing i want to think about.

my days are empty, simply passing without much doing.
too isolated, too depressed, too ugly,
too too much.
or rather, there is
too too little
happening.

how will i get out of this place?

wish upon a star

cigarette to forget the bad dreams
let the smoke lift me to another world
with each inhale
letting go of false thoughts
false realities
but it's hard to shake off
the way you talked about her tattoos
or the quiet moment you had
with her
when i wasn't there
even in your thoughts
i wasn't there
and i crumble when i think about
every boy i've shared
a bed and a heart with,
in the end
i'm never there
like i myself am a cigarette
to consume, to discard,
to transform and
forget
in a cloud of smoke
and i'm learning my place
as a cloud of smoke
exhaled into the heavens
after trying different people different places
a truth remains
every day is as lonely as the last
every day i turn to the sky
scream take me take me take me
my lungs tired, black,
aged like my cynical soul
and weary so weary
from trying to make sense of
the actions of manwoman
the deceitful thoughts of manwoman
the corruption that pervades
even the sweetest of beings
i get mad at myself for
expecting
too much the world is
still spinning
and i am
still crying
over spilled milk
as they say
as they believe
as the days pass
silent i wait
for ascension to free me
to carry me away with
the birds the planes
the rockets
washed in a sea of black
exploding flinging bits to the cosmos
becoming one with the great expanse
being one on earth never seems to work
being two a death wish
upon a star indeed

so just for the record

i hate people.
i hate everyone.

i know no salvation

driving in my car with just the indiana windmills
and a pack of cigarettes
back where i was a few years ago
an emotional wreck
a lonely traveler
still looking for the one
who will fill my bed and
consume my heart
someone who wants just me
and the pieces
i carry
too weak a soul
for the demands of others
and i demand too much
it seems
because no one can
stay
safely away from my demons
in the momentary puff
i know no salvation
and i am learning
to ask for none

alright

some moments i feel
alright
better than
alright
i'm breathing
for the first time
today
it's true
i've taken too many breaths
already
but
this
new awakening
tastes like the past
but without the
bitterness
the tea of life
rests on my
tongue tied
and tossed around
by the demons in my
head
and i sigh
and i swirl
the energetic matter
to form words and
form bonds
and with that
inhaleexhale
elahxeelahni
i consume
all that is vital
nourished
i find myself
alright
i find myself

when

what do you do
when
all you want to do is
sip tea or coffee at a coffee shop
smoking cigarette
after cigarette
when
you try to eat
and it leaves a
bad taste in your soul
and you leave
the memory of it
in the toilet bowl
you watch the bits and pieces
of happiness
swirl and disappear
when
the phone remains silent
and the messages stop
and you can't muster
the courage
to reach out first
because sometimes
it's hard to see
an outstretched arm in fog
when
this fog
filters into your being
weighs you down
keeps you from
the movement you
so desperately need
and when
you feel that
no matter how loud
you scream
only
silence will answer

.

just hoping for the courage to
stop myself
from grabbing the blade
so shiny and
so cool so smooth
against
my skin
on
fire
consuming
my last desires
my only hopes
i have only this
and days of
emptiness
a bed of
isolation
and no one to
watch
the blood rise to the surface

this is life (right now)

sitting here with my
coffee breath and coffee body
tired from trying to make sense of
these things
trying to figure out
which way
i'm turned
so i'm facing the wall
so i don't have to see
the faces
some so distant
they're only a dream now
and some
too near
that
i cannot breathe
from quiet night hours
i fade to afternoon sun
alone i carry
this heavy mind
this raging heart
trapped in a dissatisfied
existence
clothes too tight,
the future too vague
i crumble every moment
when i realize
this is life

messy business, love

will someone come
to help me
pick up the pieces
multiplying every moment it seems
messy business, love

puzzle

i will always remember
the way your lips tasted like excitement
and when i close my eyes
i can see your tattoos shining in the morning light
i can feel the warmth of your soul
as you hug me
goodbye, hello, just because
and i'll never forget the way
our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together
two pieces
finally joined at last
i was beginning to think
i was misplaced
but now i'm wondering
if maybe
i have no place at all

bleh.

it's hard to escape sadness
when within me
there is an ocean
a series of waves
crashing against
the shores
so full
of pleas for
the ship that sailed
away
to new lands
new discovery
for old oceans
have nothing to offer
the truly thirsty

some mornings

some mornings
i complain about waking up too early
but after a while
i am grateful
for the opportunity to see the
fresh day with fresh eyes
and with a cup of coffee in my hand
things seem like they'll be alright

and i can experience the joy
of looking forward to another
bright morning
always different than the last
but just as likely to reveal
the wonderful things
life has to show

meh this didn't quite become what i had intended. work in progress.

water & fire

after i got off the phone
after i paused the tears
i got in my car
put a plastic smile
on my face
for the good people of CVS
and bought 20 sticks
of calm and collection
to silence my sobbing heart
and i'll smoke these until the pack's empty
and i'll buy another pack
and another
and another
until my mind's empty
and the ache has dulled
and the light has faded
from the fire
started two years ago
the fire so neglected as of late
the fire, as it dwindles
will transplant to memory
and burning still will be
a prayer for consumption

transition

i can't promise
i'll know what to say
or how to act.
but i will hold your hand
as you begin this journey
to
the other part of you
and i hope
when we discover
your true self,
you'll find
that i'm still
the right one
for you.
and i hope
i'll be strong
enough
to love you
as you should
be loved.

"simplify, simplify"

i stayed in the house all day yesterday
the furthest i went
was to get mail
dropped my Thoreau mug
yeah the sleek black one
with that perfect word
etched twice in white
got at walden pond
on a school trip

it cracked
it's a long crack
and it seems as if
the whole world has cracked
i wonder if
the whole world is falling apart

but truthfully
i have other mugs
and why should i hold
such attachment
to a material thing
god damn
Thoreau, you knew
what you were talking about

.

just when i begin to lose faith,
when things seem like they're falling apart
a new day arrives
the rhythmic sound of a sprinkler
light peeking through the blinds
casting radiance on our bodies
laying entwined
his heart in mine

serious talks

hurting especially hurts when you feel like all you're doing is hurting the person you love most.
changes need to be made, changes i'm working on.
it's hard.
but i'm fucking holding on
and this will work
or else it will all fall into disrepair.
i refuse to let the darkness in anymore.

inspiration is lurking somewhere...

finding it hard
to put my thoughts into words
to transplant this environment
into the landscape of my mind

i just need to sit down with no distractions and do it, do it and don't be scared... my imagination has become a terrifying place.
i lament for what my creativity was.
but hey, at least the weather's always nice. even the rainy days have a special charm, welcome after days and days of heat.
i am finding a certain kind of peace here.

the fruits of Paradise taste sweeter every day.

it was clear for a while that i had lost a part of myself somewhere between new york and ohio. but now in california, i'm beginning to find myself again.
every day i wake up happier than the last.
my days are filled with airy rides in the truck, play time with the black lab Bear, quiet time with my one and only stefan.
and i feel this move has brought us closer. our love has shown itself to be deeper than i ever could have imagined.
a future together is blossoming before us.
this place, with its sunshinenature and nice people, is beginning to feel more like home than ohio ever felt.
i'm finding peace in the little things. i'm searching for beauty again in unexpected places. i'm learning more things about myself as i learn more things about this environment.
i've been here a little over a week and there's still so much to see and experience. and i'm trying to greet it all with open arms. go with the flow. don't let this new place be too overwhelming. and really, i can't see how it could be. i'm in a quiet mountain town with the most amazing person, surrounded by his wonderful family. i couldn't have asked for a better situation to move into. (well to be honest, the reason for the move isn't so great. stefan's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.) but just to enter such a comfortable place has taken the majority of the stress away.
i want to end by saying how truly lucky i am. stefan tells me multiple times a day how beautiful and perfect i am. how we're perfect for each other, and i couldn't agree more. he's been referring to me as his fiancee more and more, which leaves me all-smiles with tears practically streaming from my eyes. we're in it for the long haul. there is no one else i'd rather spend my life with. i could be with him forever and more. to infinity and beyond. all that stuff.

paradise, ca

arrived yesterday.
everything is beautiful, the people are nice.
i'm excited to explore...
more to come.

drowning afloat

days full of pain
it seems
i haven't felt before
waiting
and worrying
anticipating the
release peace
praying to whatever
for courage
hoping i fit in
this future
hoping i follow through
this anxiety
getting anxiety
raining anxiety
for me to drown in
the water
cool dark
so silent
so silent so
i don't know whether to expect
a crash
to destroy
the progress
or a wave
to relieve
the pressure
drowning afloat
come
whatever ship may come

there's just something about
wearing your boyfriend's underwear
and pants
but the pants are women's
and a men's tshirt
with a men's button-up
layered on top
paired with some boots
that are falling apart
like this
shield
of fear
and uncertainty
doubt and worry
wash away
in tears of
joy
in rivers of
paradise

2 weeks

between dreaming and awake

drifting somewhere between dreaming and...
awake
in this twilight
waiting for the moment
when leaping
is the only answer
the only
salvation
as the old crumbles
and our feet
land
on new earth
crumple from the impact
but pick ourselves back
up again
and continue
this journey
into the sunset

he chose me

i'm learning to destroy my insecurities before they destroy me.
i don't know why i doubt myself so often when i'm wrapped in the greatest reassurance.
he told me it took him 10 years to find someone he wanted to take back to california with him.
and suddenly it hit me.
i'm the one.
i never thought i'd be anyone's "one"
i never in a million years thought i would find someone to call my own, someone who lives and breathes my soul, someone who accepts me at my worst, someone who seems to believe in me more than anyone else has, someone who refuses to give up on me.
and i remember, of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me. and he chooses me every day.
and i marvel at the fact that i've found someone with whom i want to start a new life. things will be "ours." and not just "things"... i'll finally meet his family. i/we already consider him a part of mine, now i'm just waiting until i can form these new relationships. and, though we're not getting married yet, our families will be one.
i don't see myself ever letting go. i can't speak for stefan completely, but i've found that what we have isn't something that i can easily let go or will vanish tomorrow. the roots of our love run deep.
so when everything else seems to be crumbling around me, i have this.
and this hope will carry me into our new future.

march, already?

spring is coming.
let me update you on my life a bit.
i'm a few weeks away from completing my pharmacy technician training class. it's been a lot of fun. i had forgotten how much i missed being in school. i've learned a lot, and i'm getting more and more excited about entering this field.
i don't know, i kind of feel like i'm actually growing up a bit. i'm an adult?
aaaaand i'm preparing to move to California with my boyfriend Stefan! after my class ends in late march, we'll probably be packing up early april and heading out. it's such a big step, but i'm ready for something new. what blows my mind is that i've found someone i truly love enough to move across the country with, and essentially start a new life together. i can't wait. true, it's a little scary. i'll be far away from the few people i care about. but all of the good in this situation outweighs any possible negative. it's time for me to make a leap in my life. i've been resting for too long. i've been in ohio for too long. i've found something truly amazing in stefan, and i'm not letting it go. our relationship has grown in so many ways, and i'm looking forward to the way it will continue to flourish.
i must say, that generally in the last month i have been really happy. because of a crazy incident in early february, i haven't really been taking my meds, and i feel great. maybe i'm oversimplifying my situation, or overlooking details... but it had been a while since i could feel okay at all without some sort of medication. or maybe i had just been medicated for too long that i had forgotten what it felt like to feel more normal, more comfortable "in my own skin," to feel less like a zombie. i feel like i've been enjoying life more again. i don't feel 100% back to myself, but i think this move will give me the push to stretch my boundaries and find myself again... or even more, reinvent myself and find a new way of being. a more peaceful mindset. finally find the things that will work for me. find find find, i'm on a mission. to enjoy my existence and live to my greatest potential.
bring on the new adventures!

not all those who wander are lost

in lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring gandalf writes frodo a letter when he isn't able to meet them in bree. in it he includes a poem about aragorn:

all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
from the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renewed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.

since the first time i read lord of the rings in middle school, this has been one of my favorite lines, if not the favorite. it has helped me get through some rough times, and serves as a reminder that, no matter what path i take, there is still hope. and it's taught me that it's okay to live a lifestyle that may not be normal or conventional, that it's okay if you're still figuring shit out. it's about the journey to find who you really are and what works for you.

(i chose this spot on my arm because it is mostly hidden, and because it will give me more motivation to lose weight so i have beautiful skinny arms. haha)

man's masterpiece

splay me on your city walls
read the text etched on the cold stone
feel the words and feel the scars penetrating the surface
watch the ink bleed
and let the silent cries emanate from a grateful mouth
the steady, rhythmic drill in the background
stopping occasionally but always returning with force
the sting reassuring and warm
my mind empties
as the canvas is filled

got tattoo #1 last weekend

sigh of a defeated spirit

i didn't realize how bad it was
i entered with a smile
and left with tear-stained cheeks
this morning i had told myself that i'm doing much better
but when i was there in her office
i couldn't lie
to myself anymore
the room became hot,
i lost my train of thought
and the tears erupted
before i realized what was happening
this is me
still
and i had to face the cold truth
i've been pretending i'm better than i am
the pain rekindles every day
the sadness always only an arm's length away
the weighted and waiting
for me to fall, for me to get back up
gravity keeps me down
and with the other forces
presssqueeze
until i'm ready to collapse and my spirit is withdrawn
the saddest sound is the sigh of a defeated spirit

late christmas present

body worlds

smudgy glass
slow movement of the masses
a glance here, there an intense stare
into the depths of our own bodies
models on display
all muscle and bone,
ligaments and organs
i search the sinewy faces
no flesh between us
nothing to keep me from turning into that
for time to scoop me up
and make me an example
splay me open so my lungs show black
and my liver lay shriveled
trace the wrinkles of my brain
make me nothing more than tissue stretched in different ways
for i already too often just feel like
tissue stretched in different ways
i search the dead eyes for dreams
tell me the stories of our future

wake me up when it's spring

thinking about the new year upon us
has led me to meditate on where i was a year ago
facing another new year
and looking at myself today,
i see i'm still as scared and confused
i am always in various states of fright and confusion.


i measure time in seasons
so though we're at the beginning of a new calendar year
i remain in the dregs of winter
i feel nothing new will grow until spring
maybe an excuse to rest in my bundle of comfort, of steady easiness
maybe a surrender to the powers that decide our fate
the ones who birthed us, the ones who placed us here and now
powerless, i still feel powerless
trapped in streets of white, a gray tint to the fading world.


a welcome reminder that not all is lost
just as i was berating myself for not accomplishing enough in the last year
here i have a whole new one, a new chance
even though i've had multiple new chances
new weeks, new months

new days.
there's really no excuse.


i trick myself into thinking something is changing
but really i'm the one who has to change
i'm the one who could have made changes before.


this was probably supposed to be an optimistic post.
inspiring, visionary, things like that.
true, this year should be better than last.
but who really knows ever?


time makes fools of us all.

to be continued...