i wonder why i do the same things over and over, why i continually make bad decisions. i look at the sad routine of my life and wonder how i can escape...
i am diminishing,
that's all that's really happening.
some part of me is dying, has died.
i want to wake up, but how can you from such a deep sleep?
i can't find the poetry in life. the little pieces of inspiration that used to float here and there, they've fallen on the ground. disappeared in the dust of existence.
maybe this whole time i'm just being too dramatic. maybe i'm just being too lazy. that could be the problem. i don't know how to work hard on anything anymore.
i look at what i've done in the past and i'm terrified i'll never be there again.
i've fallen into a lifestyle that makes me feel shameful. what am i contributing? how am i working towards happiness?
i think a part of me just wants to go back to school. have people tell me what to do. have things to read and write. have deadlines. forget about the future for a bit longer. work towards a future that feels like it'll never come. be surrounded, thrown into social situations. be forced to find inspiration.
i just don't know who i am anymore, what i'm becoming.
i just have to keep trying.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
i used to actually have things to share, to whoever even reads this. it's mostly for me really. but even lately i can't bring myself to empty my mind and let inspiration hit. honestly, i don't know what's been wrong with me lately. i was happy, or at least i thought i was happy. i've found a person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. i was in a balanced state. but lately i've felt it tipping to somewhere i'm afraid to think about. i don't know what it is that has made me stop enjoying life... but then i pause and realize that i haven't really been enjoying life for a while. my passions are gone. my dreams have disappeared. in many ways i don't even know who i am anymore. luckily stefan has been a sort of anchor and has kept me from going completely insane. but still. something's missing, like i've said many times before. i'm a broken record, sorry. lately i've felt the pull of a sadness i'd never felt before. i'm content but so restless at the same time. i frustrate myself daily. i barely recognize myself from the me a year ago, years ago. it hurts because right when i left new york i was becoming the person i wanted to become. the first few months back home were pleasant... and then i began to sink into familiar territory. the isolation, the depression, the dwindling sense of hope. and i'm realizing that it's only increased as time went on. i'm confused about how i got to this point. i'm confused about how i could ever bring myself out of this slump. is there any hope? i really don't know anymore. the aching has become more frequent, the despair more intense. every day i hate who i am. i want to get out of this. i want it all to stop. i want happiness. i want confidence. i want life. will it ever be mine again? it doesn't seem like it. i don't know which direction to go. i don't know where i can go. i'm lost. again. it's familiar, but much more sad to watch. i don't even have my writing, my books, my silly creations, my cameras, the things that were once so close to my heart. i'm indifferent now. it's so sad to realize that. because i want to enjoy the things i used to love. i want to care about things. but i battle myself every day, and it becomes harder and harder to leave bed. and i don't know how i can feel this way when, in a way, i'm the happiest i've ever been. is that wrong? our relationship is the only shining piece of redemption in our lives. both of us cling to the hope that at least one thing in our lives isn't royally fucked up. together we can fight the world. but anyway, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm trying to navigate myself towards happiness. and i've only come up with looking for a new job. there's that at least. but everything else? it's proved challenging. for some reason i can't simply sit down and write. i can't carry a camera. i can't do anything besides feel useless. i feel like a shadow of a person. do i even exist anymore? what will bring me back to life? how can i do it? maybe i need to give my old therapist a call.