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"too much stuff, too many places, too much information, too many people, too much of things for there to be too much of, there is too much to know and i don't know where to begin but i want to try."

Thursday, July 12, 2012

slump

i used to actually have things to share, to whoever even reads this. it's mostly for me really. but even lately i can't bring myself to empty my mind and let inspiration hit. honestly, i don't know what's been wrong with me lately. i was happy, or at least i thought i was happy. i've found a person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. i was in a balanced state. but lately i've felt it tipping to somewhere i'm afraid to think about. i don't know what it is that has made me stop enjoying life... but then i pause and realize that i haven't really been enjoying life for a while. my passions are gone. my dreams have disappeared. in many ways i don't even know who i am anymore. luckily stefan has been a sort of anchor and has kept me from going completely insane. but still. something's missing, like i've said many times before. i'm a broken record, sorry. lately i've felt the pull of a sadness i'd never felt before. i'm content but so restless at the same time. i frustrate myself daily. i barely recognize myself from the me a year ago, years ago. it hurts because right when i left new york i was becoming the person i wanted to become. the first few months back home were pleasant... and then i began to sink into familiar territory. the isolation, the depression, the dwindling sense of hope. and i'm realizing that it's only increased as time went on. i'm confused about how i got to this point. i'm confused about how i could ever bring myself out of this slump. is there any hope? i really don't know anymore. the aching has become more frequent, the despair more intense. every day i hate who i am. i want to get out of this. i want it all to stop. i want happiness. i want confidence. i want life. will it ever be mine again? it doesn't seem like it. i don't know which direction to go. i don't know where i can go. i'm lost. again. it's familiar, but much more sad to watch. i don't even have my writing, my books, my silly creations, my cameras, the things that were once so close to my heart. i'm indifferent now. it's so sad to realize that. because i want to enjoy the things i used to love. i want to care about things. but i battle myself every day, and it becomes harder and harder to leave bed. and i don't know how i can feel this way when, in a way, i'm the happiest i've ever been. is that wrong? our relationship is the only shining piece of redemption in our lives. both of us cling to the hope that at least one thing in our lives isn't royally fucked up. together we can fight the world. but anyway, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm trying to navigate myself towards happiness. and i've only come up with looking for a new job. there's that at least. but everything else? it's proved challenging. for some reason i can't simply sit down and write. i can't carry a camera. i can't do anything besides feel useless. i feel like a shadow of a person. do i even exist anymore? what will bring me back to life? how can i do it? maybe i need to give my old therapist a call.

3 comments:

Geneviéve Cuva said...

I understand, somewhat! It gets really hard to be a human being, and some people manage to make it look so easy. I'm sorry that you're feeling so listless! I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help? But I'll be home for three days this month- 26, 27, and 28! So maybe we can adventure, it might just be a temporary pleasant thing but it'll be fun!

Tomibelle said...

At the very least, you can understand that you're fortunate to be in a position to change the things you hate about yourself/your life...that is, if you want to badly enough. I know that even when I seem to have my shit together, I always feel a little lost...a little out of place...not quite good enough or close enough to the perfection I used to imagine for myself.

Unlike most of us, you have real life tangible talents! a beautiful mind to begin with...and your writing. well, you know how I feel about you're writing! I'm still waiting for my signed copy of the first and etc. book you write. I'm praying you can figure out just how to bang the fuck out of this sometimes awfully boring/depressing/obnoxiously hopeless life.

love you. and I wish we lived together.

Soogie Choi said...

you're gonna pick yourself up again. i promise. man.. i wish i was in america to help you... i miss you terribly... i'm in a slump myself.. and i desperately need someone to sit down and have a smoke with.. but i can't because of my job...

you are lucky to have stefan.. and you are so talented and beautiful, and you have so many friends.. so never ever think you're alone.

miss ya chocs~