About Me

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"too much stuff, too many places, too much information, too many people, too much of things for there to be too much of, there is too much to know and i don't know where to begin but i want to try."

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

not all those who wander are lost

in lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring gandalf writes frodo a letter when he isn't able to meet them in bree. in it he includes a poem about aragorn:

all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
from the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renewed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.

since the first time i read lord of the rings in middle school, this has been one of my favorite lines, if not the favorite. it has helped me get through some rough times, and serves as a reminder that, no matter what path i take, there is still hope. and it's taught me that it's okay to live a lifestyle that may not be normal or conventional, that it's okay if you're still figuring shit out. it's about the journey to find who you really are and what works for you.

(i chose this spot on my arm because it is mostly hidden, and because it will give me more motivation to lose weight so i have beautiful skinny arms. haha)

man's masterpiece

splay me on your city walls
read the text etched on the cold stone
feel the words and feel the scars penetrating the surface
watch the ink bleed
and let the silent cries emanate from a grateful mouth
the steady, rhythmic drill in the background
stopping occasionally but always returning with force
the sting reassuring and warm
my mind empties
as the canvas is filled

got tattoo #1 last weekend

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

sigh of a defeated spirit

i didn't realize how bad it was
i entered with a smile
and left with tear-stained cheeks
this morning i had told myself that i'm doing much better
but when i was there in her office
i couldn't lie
to myself anymore
the room became hot,
i lost my train of thought
and the tears erupted
before i realized what was happening
this is me
and i had to face the cold truth
i've been pretending i'm better than i am
the pain rekindles every day
the sadness always only an arm's length away
the weighted and waiting
for me to fall, for me to get back up
gravity keeps me down
and with the other forces
until i'm ready to collapse and my spirit is withdrawn
the saddest sound is the sigh of a defeated spirit

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Thursday, January 3, 2013

body worlds

smudgy glass
slow movement of the masses
a glance here, there an intense stare
into the depths of our own bodies
models on display
all muscle and bone,
ligaments and organs
i search the sinewy faces
no flesh between us
nothing to keep me from turning into that
for time to scoop me up
and make me an example
splay me open so my lungs show black
and my liver lay shriveled
trace the wrinkles of my brain
make me nothing more than tissue stretched in different ways
for i already too often just feel like
tissue stretched in different ways
i search the dead eyes for dreams
tell me the stories of our future

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

wake me up when it's spring

thinking about the new year upon us
has led me to meditate on where i was a year ago
facing another new year
and looking at myself today,
i see i'm still as scared and confused
i am always in various states of fright and confusion.

i measure time in seasons
so though we're at the beginning of a new calendar year
i remain in the dregs of winter
i feel nothing new will grow until spring
maybe an excuse to rest in my bundle of comfort, of steady easiness
maybe a surrender to the powers that decide our fate
the ones who birthed us, the ones who placed us here and now
powerless, i still feel powerless
trapped in streets of white, a gray tint to the fading world.

a welcome reminder that not all is lost
just as i was berating myself for not accomplishing enough in the last year
here i have a whole new one, a new chance
even though i've had multiple new chances
new weeks, new months

new days.
there's really no excuse.

i trick myself into thinking something is changing
but really i'm the one who has to change
i'm the one who could have made changes before.

this was probably supposed to be an optimistic post.
inspiring, visionary, things like that.
true, this year should be better than last.
but who really knows ever?

time makes fools of us all.

to be continued...