and it makes me want to scream.
these past two weeks i have felt so clueless and lost. i never thought that graduation would have that effect on me. i feel as if all this responsibility has been thrown on me, although no one has directly stated it.
i just want to be a kid again. you know, the good ole days when we played outside all day, and our parents wouldn't see us until dark, when our friends' parents called them back inside. or walking to the nearby pool and spending hours playing water games that came directly from our imaginations. or even just a few summers ago, spending all day just walking around the neighborhood, sneaking into people's yards, searching for "hidden treasures", hiding the nearly-empty wine bottles.
there were so many bad times in my childhood and teen years, i never thought i'd want to go back. but now, i wish it would last forever. i look back and can't help but remember all the good times i had, times spent laughing and really learning about what life is about. i still have a couple years left to be a teenager, but they seem daunting from where i'm standing. i've never really been normal or conventional, and it just seems like the world is demanding that i conform in some way or another... i just don't feel like it. i am developing into a person that questions the reason behind everything, and i just can't find reason enough to do the things i'm "supposed" to do.
and i know that that thinking can lead to trouble. but what is life if we can't find the meaning in it?
i want to grow and learn more. i really do. new york city itself will be a classroom. but the possibility of failure is hanging over me, and i'm worried about how i'll "do" in the fall. i've never actually worked hard for anything in my life, but i have a feeling that that's going to change. it's not that i want everything to be easy, it's just that i'm afraid to look like a fool.
i already feel like a fool...
with no job, license, or car.
i actually don't mind not having a job. that's one normalcy that i don't think i need to have. people generally get jobs to get money, right? well, i don't care much about money right now. and i know that sounds bratty of me, since i'm about to start college and all, but i just got A LOT of money for graduation. and it's all going in the bank. so right now, it's not a huge concern. the other reason people usually get a job is to have experience and meet people. that would be my reason for getting a job. but alas, i have some summer plans that just don't match up with a steady job. oh and there's the whole interview thing. i'm afraid of interviews.
i do want my license. hopefully third time's the charm?
[yes i've failed my driving test twice]
i don't handle failure well.
and car? i'm supposed to be getting my brother's old one, but no news yet. i think once i have a car, i'll generally feel a lot happier. it signifies much more to me than just something i can drive myself around in.
and did i mention that i suck at transitioning?
yeah. this whole graduating-from-high-school-and-going-to-college isn't processing in my mind very well. simply because, i'm leaving all of my friends behind. i'm not going to school with a single one of them. which is heart-wrenching considering i've been with most of them for four years, and we especially bonded this last school year. it's like losing a body part. weird analogy, i know lol. but really, they've become more of my family than possibly my own.
um... so i had meant to talk about my day haha. DIGRESSION!!
alright. so i hung around the house today... making food, taking pictures, reading.
i went out with my mom tonight... the library, starbucks, kroger...
such bustling places, i know.
oOo here's a photo from today:
OOOPS!! it's funny because i didn't realize that one of our plants was hanging down in front of the camera... idk it amused me lol.
i'm getting fed up with my life.
good thing there are FESTIVALS this weekend!!
if you actually read this entire thing, i thank you very, very much.
=)
amame.
2 comments:
It's easy to be afraid at this point in your life because of all the changes. I've been feeling kinda iffy about college too, and I still have a year to go! Once we've been in one place for so long we get comfortable with it, and it's really difficult to leave. I wish I could tell you a way to make it easier, but the only advice I can give you is to grow closer to God. I know everyone says that, and you probably don't want to hear it. But I've noticed that every time I spend more time with God things I'm struggling with in my life don't seem as bad anymore. I don't feel like I'm in this alone anymore, and He begins guides me in His perfect path. It's never going to be easy, but it will be a lot more peaceful knowing that whatever happens, the end will be something you never expected as of right now. God allows us to struggle, but in the end allows us to come out on top.
ey, you could be like me, one year out of HS with a year of college done, with no car license or job, and no idea what im going to do in the fall (dont make me.. dont send me back to that awful place!! nooo!!!!!) .. but i deff know how you feel about graduation... those weeks were so weird and I had so many mixed feelings... and I was thinking the other day 'man, I need to get those pics from Puerto Rico out of the Mac Lab at school'.. and then i realized that it isnt 'my school' anymore and that each year it becomes less and less of my school. eh.. i will never feel that way about AU..
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