estate sale

i came into your house and took your things
i know you but i didn't know you
i came in welcomed but not welcomed
your silence in some other place breathed like a dense cloud over your belongings
your belongings i searched, appraised, dismissed, claimed
as my own
your belongings, they spoke to me
with a whispering hiss i learned of your likes, dislikes, routines
you like, liked purses
the bags piled on the couch, in boxes, tan black white brown leather cloth other materials large small medium sized thin straps wide straps clutches
you like, liked other things
books, dresses, jewelry, suits, playing cards, little decorative mugs, light cardigans and heavy sweaters, heels, hats, cameras
everything worn, some things chipped, some things looking brand new but i knew they had been worn in some way, maybe physically, maybe only in thought
things acquired from travels and, in later years, collected in sedentariness
things generic, shadows of things in my own closet, hints of things that will be
things so specific i shuddered and moved on to the next rack, feeling the haunting window of death open a crack and see a flicker of eye peek at me, wink
things unique and forgotten and everything else you'd expect things in a dead person's house to be
you have, had an interest in cameras
laid out next to each other, one two three four, between boxes and platters of earrings and necklaces, all in cases
the cases leather and aged, one or two newer
a four-pack of color film on a shelf nearby
i took two of the cameras, and the film
you drink, drank tea
enough so that the inside of the kettle was worn and scratchy, outside similar, dull, one dollar so
i took it
you like, liked to travel
i found two shirts from guatemala, authentic-looking, native designs and such, bought as souvenirs, never worn
i took one of those shirts
we took other things, things that don't belong with us but do belong, not belonging with the other strangers roaming through the rooms of your house, as they didn't belong with you but did
for moments i became you at certain moments in your life, as i tried on jackets and sweaters, looked in the mirror leaning against the wall
i became you and you became me
i took you home with me
i took you
and now i know you but i don't know you
i know only that you were an acquaintance of my mother, a friend of a friend
but that we were perhaps the same person
your silence and coldness silhouettes on the crowded walls, ducking between boxes and piles, jumping out at me, surprise, when i look in mugs, when i lean over tables to inspect the tiny nothings and interesting nonsense
surprise and hello,
as if i've been here, there before
you know i've been here and there before
we're here and there every day all the time
i came into your house and took your things
and i left
i left happy, a sort of happy contentment, with possibilities, with ideas
thinking of ways to make yours mine and mine yours
two seconds outside, with the screen door still open i gasped and gulped for the air i didn't know i was missing
two seconds outside and the contentment became unease and the possibilities multiplied until they transformed into doubts and what-ifs, so many possibilities missing, thoughts and thoughts of you and your belongings
i didn't take enough
or did i take too much
i snatched your things, assuming you were mine
i heard your hisses and whispers, assuming you were crying out for help
but now i don't know what to do with the raging confusion, the combustion of identity
the taking and taking
i took your things and i know you, but i didn't and i don't

a woman my mother sort of knew recently died and so my mom took me to the estate sale yesterday. it was an interesting experience... i'm a diehard thrifter, always creeping in some old store, and i have a soft spot for antiques; but this was more personal than anywhere i've been. a place stuck between now and then. a place close but distant. i really don't know what else to say besides almost immediately after we left i began thinking, "i came into your house and took your things. i know you but i didn't know you."