sublime

woke up with the most
beautiful vision of smoke
blue-white smoke
sharded in a swirling blackness
swirling, oh god the swirling
beautiful swirling wisps
i pushed them out the window, through
the screen
and the wind pushed them back to me
i laid down fighting, laughing, doing nothing
nothing but breathing, giving life to the red
letting the blue-white completely overtake me and
fuck me and love me and hate me like nothing and
no one else
smile at the forces, cringe at the stench,
look at the destruction, feel the destruction,
live at the right moment [time]
a sleepiness, a dreariness, the smoke slipping
into my eyes, teasing my lids

oh god i'm overtaken by the images, i want
to live in these images, over and over again
i want to repeat them
my dreams only real in the blue-white, in the
burning red, the ash, oh god the stench of
destruction and creation, the stench of youth, the
cries of hopelessness, echoing in the swirls
of despair, losing ourselves [themselves?] in the
lost
images of sadness mixed with anger in the
great swirl
the trails, trails of

windowsill as ashtray, everything as ashtray
oh god the paranoia,
hopes and dreams
and the stench, it never goes away, they never go
away

written this morning/some hours ago in my journal. i copied it exactly how i wrote it, the line breaks are mainly due to page size. and my tendency to write short lines instead of dragging my hand all across the page haha.