it's the little things.

it's days like today when i really feel like i've found the one. "she is a dear friend but i love you more than anything"

feels like another breakdown

every day i think i hit rock bottom,
and then the next day is worse.
too much just becomes too much.
i breakdown.
i cry.
i give up on everything.
everything except him.
and though i have that,
i'm sinking all the same.

bare branches

an autumn sigh
leaves my lips
makes its way through the bare branches
and disperses into the blue above
i listen to a ray of sunshine tell me about her life
the years we've spent
walking these familiar streets
suddenly we are
relaxing in our favorite coffee shop
drinking our favorite drinks
and we're transported
back
to our old selves
old laughs
wise smiles
the comfort i'm drinking is no match for the
home
sitting across from me
the reassuring sparkle in her eye that says
everything is going to be okay
twin souls turned messy lives
can still rest in this transparent bubble
a protection against winter and uncertain futures and all the other things that are coming too fast, that sit looming above our heads
but it doesn't dampen
this november day
with the sun occasionally peaking through the clouds
and a welcome briskness tingling our weary limbs
i glance at the bare trees
and smile because i know
i am just like them
as cold and alone in this gray
feeling just as naked and forgotten in time
and
i too will wait
for my green leaves to return

9/6/12, journal

Trying to take a nap, and all these memories of New York are flooding my head... It's all so far in the past. I feel like a different person. Well, I am different. It just makes me feel sad, knowing I don't talk to those people anymore and I don't do some of those things anymore. I'm not there anymore. I don't feel free like I did back then. Sure, I was trapped in loneliness, but physically I knew I could do anything. The city has everything. And I think of things I would have done differently. Hung out with more people, partied more, gotten involved in the community, went for my dreams. I guess I could still go back someday and do that. But I couldn't see Stefan living in the city. Chicago was bad enough. Even though I was super unhappy freshman year, I had fun. Everything was new and exciting. Jr year I got to know the city a little more, though still not as much as I'd like. I paid more attention to the people... Living in New York is the (my?) ultimate adventure. It reinvented life for me. It changed me. But now I've reverted back to plain, suburban self. I'm not doing anything, because I feel I have nothing to prove. Oh, but there's still everything! I can live that way here and now, but for some reason I haven't been trying to. I've gone back to how I used to think. Or maybe this is an entirely new train of thought, way of being. I just need to care again. Care about my life, care about what happens, what I experience. Really experience each moment. Write things down, capture them on film. Those things used to make me. And now I barely have them. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. What's sad is that I could get it all back! If I just stop being lazy and stubborn. If I try to open my mind again, be creative in the ways I know how. Look at life through new eyes. Maybe that's what it was, everything was just so new. I took the city head on. Now I just sit by and idly watch. Watch as life happens without me.

i'm mainly putting this here as a reminder to myself.

life is beautiful

i read a book today, and it reminded me that life, despite all of its sadness and chaos, is beautiful. each day can feel like the worst day, but there's something that saves it all. it's there, it's always there, you just have to look for it. as i've been struggling with my depression again, i've gotten myself into a rut. even on days i wish i wasn't alive, i'm glad i am so i can cuddle with my boyfriend and see the expression on his face when he tells me he loves me, spend time with my mom, escape to wonderful places in my mind - dream about the tomorrow i've always wanted. it's hard work getting there, but i feel like i'm getting there all the same. sometimes i just have to take a breath and remind myself that i have a great life. that things could be much worse. that i have the ability to determine my future. that i can change the things that bother me. maybe not change them all, but at least change how i process and react to them. in quiet moments i tend to look back on things i've done wrong, things i wish i could travel back to the past for. it's surprising how often i feel like i made the wrong decision. but just as often i try to remember the good things that happen. the moments i wish would last a lifetime. the moments that feel like they have a world unto themselves. that the entire world is contained in those subtle, perfect moments. sometimes it seems like my universe is sitting just across from me, holding my hand and looking at me with those soft blue eyes. i was thinking earlier about how much i love stefan, and how it's such a comfort just to love someone and be loved back. i'm happy with him, and i never thought i'd be happy with anyone. we found each other at a perfect time. and it's because of him that i have so many warm memories to look back on. things to keep me going about my day. i feel like i have something to live for, and that may be the greatest thing of all. life has meaning. sure, i can't see it most of the time, but every now and then it can be found. like in a batch of his favorite cookies that i carefully iced, or the way his apartment has begun to feel like home. i guess i'm writing this all in the hope that everyone has someone to remind them that life is wonderful, even if just for a brief moment occasionally. a friend, a family member, a partner... he isn't my only reason for living, but he's a damn good one. i just can't imagine my life without him. in the same way i'd be lost without my mother and my closest friends. no, in a different way, but i think you know what i'm getting at. find something or someone. don't let it go. hold on to that happiness and let it carry you through the rough times. i've been spending the last several days doing just that. it's still a struggle, but i'm hoping i'll make it through and get to a better place. i want to live the life i know i'm capable of, the life i want to wake up to over and over again, the beautiful life.

rain, rain, keep me away

rainy tea-drinking getting lost in a tragic monday pulling the sheets over my head sighing into fog placing hope in the whispers of a brighter tomorrow when this day sits forgotten forgetting already the pain each moment brings waiting for this storm to change dissipate it will disappear when my demons are laid to rest writhing i remain in the shadows waiting with nausea overwhelming the light the future bears for everyone but me...

moonchild

i lay staring at the ceiling, paralyzed by my own mind
the thought that this is my life
this is what i've accomplished
this is what i have to show for it after all these years
immobile
not just on the floor, but everywhere
my voice squeaks and eventually disappears
my heart doesn't know what warmth is anymore
my pills transform me into a zombie
i wonder, is this what i thought i was living for?
to die every day without a slither of hope
to feel like everything i do is futile
that i'm unable to function not just as a person
but as a person i dreamed to be
i tell myself i can't reach my goals
i begin to set my goals lower
i work jobs that only remind me of the better things i'm not doing
i crumble under the weight of a life unfulfilled
i find myself laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling instead of doing something
i feel lost
i don't know who i am or where to go
some days are worse than others, but there is always the overwhelming sadness that i can't seem to escape
wondering where i can escape to
nowhere
and wondering what will become of me
while i wait for the answer i watch the future pass me by
life is over before it's begun

9/27/12, journal

the world rocks me forward, and i push back
a constant struggle, a pleasant reminder that we are both still here and more alive than ever
burning in fact
amidst a world static and bare
lifeless
fiery loins only extinguished in ultimate climax
gnawing resistance, a bite and a moan
pleasure reaching to the far ends of the body
electrifying my extremities
thrusting and
my heart pounding as hard as his body pushes against mine
the rhythm, the ecstasy in every movement
like the pleasure in watching the tide come in and go out
reassurance that we're still vital in the cycle of life
vital to each other
this vital to our existence
an exchange
of roles, of fluids, of silent speech
warm whispers comforting breaths
as we breathe life into one another
tongues hands...
life
take me how you want me
move me how you want me
i surrender to the elements
feel you beneath me, fresh earth
crumbling at my touch

melting, pieces

watch as i melt before you, dripping and thin, ruining your carpet
maintained and vacuumed and ready to battle life's hardships
prepared and able to make a nice home
but everything i touch begins to melt
just as i did when the gods made their decision
trapped in a cage of my own making
alone because i would have it no other way
except
something, some part of my liquid being, this mess, something - a tiny hand makes its way from the center of my chest to the open world
in search of a similar being
maybe not similar, but indestructible
in the same ways
desperate
fearful
confused
in the same ways
and i search the atmosphere for a kinder world
a world that can accommodate all of my flaws and childish tendencies
a place for sadness, loneliness, a place familiar
and the worlds in the universe crash upon my every hope and dream
my paper thin soul is crushed against the waves
and i pray the red sea will save me
i've been floating long enough, my fluid blending blending
i emerge dripping, dyed, a crimson cape of lies rests upon my shoulders
i pull the hood over my eyes
try to walk as i once did, in my old body
but the sea never leaves, and i drown into the earth
consumed by the harsh architecture of a sleeping mind
my heart beats and quakes the earth that wouldn't accept me
wait for my body to return to me
with my remains claw the ground and feel dirt beneath my fingertips
in my rest search the ends of the world for a minute salvation
a restoration momentary enough to fill my existence with shining brilliant specks of truth and truth alone,
of the answers to my riddle of a life
solve the puzzle short of pieces
pieces, lost, forgotten, hidden, they're everywhere
all homeless
all stranded like the souls who walk the streets at night,
asking the same questions of the world
those who laugh in a group but hide their somber reality
alone but surrounded by the greatest marvels
the universe is meant to be explored
but now and then a poor soul will
fall into an ocean, and gasping, can't find their way to the surface
get an incurable disease
get in an accident on the road
and the universe is cruel enough to let it all happen,
it captures the weak souls,
preys on their delusions
feeds us lies
and makes us hope for things that will never happen
fluid mess in the mirror, will the melting stop

i can reach out my hand and feel it
brush the leaves against my fingers
bury my face
in the warm tones
stretch out my arms
and let myself
fall

"jamaican me happy"

jamaican me happy
the bottle read
followed by my invisible nod and glance in your direction
happy,
a new dress
an empty notebook waiting to be filled with occasional brilliance
deep stares, revealing desire
i feel sexiest in an old shirt that once belonged to my mother
enormous, unflattering, but slightly sheer enough
so you can see my leopard print bra
a radiant sunset
my limbs twisted with yours
the day waiting to be spent
i linger in these moments, content
i want nothing more of the world than a cup of tea, a warm blanket, a sleeping lover
playing our favorite game
domestication
as a kid i called it house
i could have never imagined i'd be here
with you
with this life
trying to sew and bake things and make things tidy
being content at 22 to retire and settle down
make plans with someone
depend on someone
but it all makes me feel
the changing seasons
temperatures rising and falling as often as my mood
but when on the rise,
i see the world clearly
peek at my jewelry
take a pill every now and then
sleep through the night
and wake up to find i'm not alone

soundly by your side

swimming in black sheets silky as your thin hair
i caress them, wanting forever in every molecule
wearing your underwear because you said they look cute on me
i watch you fall sleep and contentment overwhelms me
you're mine
growing old with you while we're still young
spending sunday afternoon cleaning and scrubbing, the music radiating through the apartment
quiet friday nights on the couch, glasses of ovaltine
thoughts of our future together swarm my mind
fill it with a warmth i never thought possible...
talk of paint choices and pets and making space for my stuff, making plans
soon things will be ours
and we'll cradle them,
protect the essence of simple life
present in every soft embrace, every airy kiss,
in all the car rides, and even in our silent moments
it pervades the touchiest of subjects, the wonderful coincidences, the tragic accidents, erases every false emotion
and allows me here in this bed to taste the fruits of happiness
sleep soundly by your side

dead or something

i wonder why i do the same things over and over, why i continually make bad decisions. i look at the sad routine of my life and wonder how i can escape...
i am diminishing,
that's all that's really happening.
some part of me is dying, has died.
i want to wake up, but how can you from such a deep sleep?
i can't find the poetry in life. the little pieces of inspiration that used to float here and there, they've fallen on the ground. disappeared in the dust of existence.
maybe this whole time i'm just being too dramatic. maybe i'm just being too lazy. that could be the problem. i don't know how to work hard on anything anymore.
i look at what i've done in the past and i'm terrified i'll never be there again.
i've fallen into a lifestyle that makes me feel shameful. what am i contributing? how am i working towards happiness?
i think a part of me just wants to go back to school. have people tell me what to do. have things to read and write. have deadlines. forget about the future for a bit longer. work towards a future that feels like it'll never come. be surrounded, thrown into social situations. be forced to find inspiration.
i just don't know who i am anymore, what i'm becoming.
i just have to keep trying.

slump

i used to actually have things to share, to whoever even reads this. it's mostly for me really. but even lately i can't bring myself to empty my mind and let inspiration hit. honestly, i don't know what's been wrong with me lately. i was happy, or at least i thought i was happy. i've found a person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. i was in a balanced state. but lately i've felt it tipping to somewhere i'm afraid to think about. i don't know what it is that has made me stop enjoying life... but then i pause and realize that i haven't really been enjoying life for a while. my passions are gone. my dreams have disappeared. in many ways i don't even know who i am anymore. luckily stefan has been a sort of anchor and has kept me from going completely insane. but still. something's missing, like i've said many times before. i'm a broken record, sorry. lately i've felt the pull of a sadness i'd never felt before. i'm content but so restless at the same time. i frustrate myself daily. i barely recognize myself from the me a year ago, years ago. it hurts because right when i left new york i was becoming the person i wanted to become. the first few months back home were pleasant... and then i began to sink into familiar territory. the isolation, the depression, the dwindling sense of hope. and i'm realizing that it's only increased as time went on. i'm confused about how i got to this point. i'm confused about how i could ever bring myself out of this slump. is there any hope? i really don't know anymore. the aching has become more frequent, the despair more intense. every day i hate who i am. i want to get out of this. i want it all to stop. i want happiness. i want confidence. i want life. will it ever be mine again? it doesn't seem like it. i don't know which direction to go. i don't know where i can go. i'm lost. again. it's familiar, but much more sad to watch. i don't even have my writing, my books, my silly creations, my cameras, the things that were once so close to my heart. i'm indifferent now. it's so sad to realize that. because i want to enjoy the things i used to love. i want to care about things. but i battle myself every day, and it becomes harder and harder to leave bed. and i don't know how i can feel this way when, in a way, i'm the happiest i've ever been. is that wrong? our relationship is the only shining piece of redemption in our lives. both of us cling to the hope that at least one thing in our lives isn't royally fucked up. together we can fight the world. but anyway, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm trying to navigate myself towards happiness. and i've only come up with looking for a new job. there's that at least. but everything else? it's proved challenging. for some reason i can't simply sit down and write. i can't carry a camera. i can't do anything besides feel useless. i feel like a shadow of a person. do i even exist anymore? what will bring me back to life? how can i do it? maybe i need to give my old therapist a call.

we need your help.

in an epic kitchen incident in april my boyfriend cut his thumb and had to have surgery to repair the tendon and nerve. he's now facing the possibility of a second surgery. and let me tell you, the bills are adding up. the reason why this is such a big deal is that my boyfriend is a gamer. his thumb is important. he could face losing something that's been a big part of his life since he was 3. he's also an IT guy at an online school. his life is built around the use of his hands, especially his thumb. anyway, it would be awesome if you could contribute something - anything - to go toward his second surgery. any amount is appreciated.
you can read it all (and donate) here:
http://www.indiegogo.com/nomorehadoukens
even if you can't donate, please share this with everyone you know.

floating
i feel the stillness, wash myself in transparent oasis
i missed this,
floating
stretching and pulling
forgetting the usual motions
sparkling in summer, squinting for vision
i close my eyes and hope this world is still there when i open them
splashing and not meaning to
that's what my whole life feels like, sometimes, splashing and not meaning to
but i forget that, in this moment at least, when serenity meets my dream world and the elements rejoice in ultimate unity
only then do i know that life is real,
when i'm submerged
and subtly gasping for air
something my body understands that my mind doesn't
the desperation, the flailing movement to keep
floating
quietly i'm sprawled across the surface, cushion beneath me, eternity above

almost

i'm almost there.

ever ever

the way you whisper
never ever ever ever leave
haunts me like the shadow of my past selves
i sit embarrassed by all the lies i tell
to myself, mostly
i dream my blue room will transport me
to worlds unknown
like the warmth of the sun's embrace or
the comfort of your arms
but mostly the worlds more mysterious than
my own mind more distant

the subtle sigh and shrug
my bones exhale
weary but pleased
and i know life will never be the same
just as each moment changes the next
every wave crashing against my skeleton
shivers travel across planes of time
and it stands still while we meander
here and there
where we always are

i like love

i like that you made me smile as i drifted off to sleep.
i like the way you hold my hand.
i like your long, slender fingers.
i like your legs stretched across me, on the couch, as we fall asleep, wherever.
i like the way you make me feel beautiful, always.
i like that you said i'm the best thing that's ever happened to you.
i like that i can say the same.

caress

a drop and the warmth swelled, swallowed me
my nose tingled from the spices
the pan sizzled
i grew in the knowledge -
knowing the evening air is light
and we're in love in one
touch and the walls collapse crumble
crash
the waves
bodies
lime drizzle rain for the beer ocean
and oceans empty in the blink of an eye
a silent cry
and a roarous
crash
sun blankets
morning cigarettes
and the smoke lingers in the shadows
work out wrap up to wake
up into the chocolate heaven
soulmate bliss
so late to hello
but early in every heart tremor every sigh
lovers' eyes sleepy tranquil
float to see
sea
and expanses beyond
out of arm's reach
through knife
into mouth
and back out again
into familiar home
a room of flesh
a kiss made glowing fluorescence
dim the lights and exhale
a floral symphony
let the music permeate every molecule
and mark every particle
with the sweet truth of forever
the breath of every death and rebirth
the caress of endless eternities

something again

i haven't used this blog "just to talk" in a while. honestly i don't know where my passion for writing has gone. i've been so uninspired and so distracted.
i'm writing here, now, because i'm lonely. i feel lonely and all sorts of other things i probably shouldn't be feeling. a few minutes ago i began to cry over my cup of chai, and i wondered where my life had gone. what's missing? what am i doing wrong? questions that have lately been popping into my head more frequently. though i'm a lot more stable than i was months ago, a year ago, i still feel like an empty shell. the only consistent social interaction i have (outside of my family) is with my boyfriend. i haven't seen friends in a while. i don't know where they've gone. or where i've gone. stacks of books remain unread. i fucked up a roll of film and hesitate to pick up a camera again. after a few nice months of employment, i'm back to being jobless. hopefully it doesn't last too long. but really, i don't know what i want anymore. i feel insecure, i feel inferior, and i don't even know what or who i'm comparing myself to. i feel like i'm so out there, so detached from society. how can i ever have something to compare to, to guide me, to make me feel less alone? really, i feel so so so much better than i did my first few months at home... but i'm concerned because lately i haven't really made much progress. i stopped seeing my therapist a few months ago. just last week my psychiatrist said i seem much better and don't really need therapy. i want to believe that i am, i really do. but something isn't right. or maybe i'm just looking for things to not be right, i don't know. i sometimes think i just like to keep myself miserable. when will i feel like myself again? how can i feel like myself again? medication only helps so much. the rest needs to come from somewhere inside me. some spark, some little something that lights my eyes and rejuvenates my soul. pushes my limbs to motion. presses life back into my body. makes me remember the meaning of simple life. the quiet and the raucous. the instructions for sanity. the anything and everything. i just want to feel something again. i want to be something again.

i'm tired of complaining and making excuses... so of course i do just that.

i sort of don't know what to say anymore.
i can't force myself to write...
well i force myself, but nothing happens...
well i'm not really trying.
not trying,
at anything.
floating

it'll all come to me sometime.
just need to be a little patient.
or a little more aggressive.
it'll come.

i'm sadly waiting

when i should be doing
something,
at least.

broken record,
that's all i'm becoming.

1/24

my beer warms and i wonder where you are today
how you carry around the baggage of sweet skin and careless pain
smoke can't fix everything
though we try and try and
collapse under the weight of winter...

hi new

it's a new year
so i guess it's time for a new post
although i
feel like i have nothing to
say
i'm becoming boring
and it's sort of
okay
routine is boring
i want to fight routine
i want to fight my job
and all the time i
don't get
to spend
with my boyfriend or
friends or
rediscovering my passions or
or
or
or

it's a new year but not much has
changed
nothing ever
changes
much

even the seasons
blend into one

spring in winter

i want something new
but i don't know what it is
yet

not the year
but something else

i want something new