Wednesday, November 14, 2012
life is beautiful
i read a book today, and it reminded me that life, despite all of its sadness and chaos, is beautiful. each day can feel like the worst day, but there's something that saves it all. it's there, it's always there, you just have to look for it. as i've been struggling with my depression again, i've gotten myself into a rut. even on days i wish i wasn't alive, i'm glad i am so i can cuddle with my boyfriend and see the expression on his face when he tells me he loves me, spend time with my mom, escape to wonderful places in my mind - dream about the tomorrow i've always wanted. it's hard work getting there, but i feel like i'm getting there all the same. sometimes i just have to take a breath and remind myself that i have a great life. that things could be much worse. that i have the ability to determine my future. that i can change the things that bother me. maybe not change them all, but at least change how i process and react to them. in quiet moments i tend to look back on things i've done wrong, things i wish i could travel back to the past for. it's surprising how often i feel like i made the wrong decision. but just as often i try to remember the good things that happen. the moments i wish would last a lifetime. the moments that feel like they have a world unto themselves. that the entire world is contained in those subtle, perfect moments. sometimes it seems like my universe is sitting just across from me, holding my hand and looking at me with those soft blue eyes. i was thinking earlier about how much i love stefan, and how it's such a comfort just to love someone and be loved back. i'm happy with him, and i never thought i'd be happy with anyone. we found each other at a perfect time. and it's because of him that i have so many warm memories to look back on. things to keep me going about my day. i feel like i have something to live for, and that may be the greatest thing of all. life has meaning. sure, i can't see it most of the time, but every now and then it can be found. like in a batch of his favorite cookies that i carefully iced, or the way his apartment has begun to feel like home. i guess i'm writing this all in the hope that everyone has someone to remind them that life is wonderful, even if just for a brief moment occasionally. a friend, a family member, a partner... he isn't my only reason for living, but he's a damn good one. i just can't imagine my life without him. in the same way i'd be lost without my mother and my closest friends. no, in a different way, but i think you know what i'm getting at. find something or someone. don't let it go. hold on to that happiness and let it carry you through the rough times. i've been spending the last several days doing just that. it's still a struggle, but i'm hoping i'll make it through and get to a better place. i want to live the life i know i'm capable of, the life i want to wake up to over and over again, the beautiful life.