something again

i haven't used this blog "just to talk" in a while. honestly i don't know where my passion for writing has gone. i've been so uninspired and so distracted.
i'm writing here, now, because i'm lonely. i feel lonely and all sorts of other things i probably shouldn't be feeling. a few minutes ago i began to cry over my cup of chai, and i wondered where my life had gone. what's missing? what am i doing wrong? questions that have lately been popping into my head more frequently. though i'm a lot more stable than i was months ago, a year ago, i still feel like an empty shell. the only consistent social interaction i have (outside of my family) is with my boyfriend. i haven't seen friends in a while. i don't know where they've gone. or where i've gone. stacks of books remain unread. i fucked up a roll of film and hesitate to pick up a camera again. after a few nice months of employment, i'm back to being jobless. hopefully it doesn't last too long. but really, i don't know what i want anymore. i feel insecure, i feel inferior, and i don't even know what or who i'm comparing myself to. i feel like i'm so out there, so detached from society. how can i ever have something to compare to, to guide me, to make me feel less alone? really, i feel so so so much better than i did my first few months at home... but i'm concerned because lately i haven't really made much progress. i stopped seeing my therapist a few months ago. just last week my psychiatrist said i seem much better and don't really need therapy. i want to believe that i am, i really do. but something isn't right. or maybe i'm just looking for things to not be right, i don't know. i sometimes think i just like to keep myself miserable. when will i feel like myself again? how can i feel like myself again? medication only helps so much. the rest needs to come from somewhere inside me. some spark, some little something that lights my eyes and rejuvenates my soul. pushes my limbs to motion. presses life back into my body. makes me remember the meaning of simple life. the quiet and the raucous. the instructions for sanity. the anything and everything. i just want to feel something again. i want to be something again.