you mean everything

she read the words on her wall like she did every morning, you mean everything.
whether it was true or not, it didn't matter.
she thought about all the people who hadn't said those words to her, the people she wanted to simply look at her and say, i couldn't live without you.
even if they didn't mean it.
she made herself a cup of tea, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and perched herself on the front porch swing. she thought about yesterday, tomorrow, last weekend.
she thought about the people in her life, the people who weren't in her life, and wondered whether she'd ever uttered those words, you mean everything.
the thoughts began to sting like the cigarette smoke, drifting down her throat, up her nose, making her eyes water. she took a sip of the scalding tea to ease it all.
as hard as she tried to smoke away the memories and drink away the memories, they kept wafting into her head as the scent of the flowers. the bees buzzed and she wondered if it was mating season. she wondered the same thing the other day, when she sat in the same spot, drinking out of the same mug, but the mug was filled with coffee and she had been reading a book. the bees were buzzing, but she wasn't thinking about meaning anything to anyone, whether anyone meant anything to her.
she grabbed her camera from her room, to take photos of the smoke, the flowers, the everything, wondering all the while whether it actually meant anything to her. it did, she decided. she looked at the plants and thought, you mean everything. she looked at the budding trees, you mean everything. she looked at the cigarette in her hand, you mean everything. as the hot liquid slid down her throat, as the camera made its noises, as the fedex truck drove by, as faces popped into her memory.


ok before i fuck this up [i don't know how to end things! lol], i'm going to go wander somewhere since it's nice out. the other day i received in the mail some photos from a long-distance friend. on the photos she had etched into them "you mean everything." i could write forever about this, and smile forever about this.