stuck between places

i want donuts. and by "want donuts" i mean "fuck i need to lose 5 or 10 more pounds before i can even begin to think about eating a donut"
my pants don't fit right
my coffee is too sweet, not sweet enough
mad men is getting even more intense, i'm zoning out
i'm falling asleep in class. the professor asks questions, i know the answers, but instead of raising my hand and getting all this pent-up knowledge out, releasing all this brilliance, i keep it to myself, collect and collect and hoard and wait for the right moments that never come
i filled out the application, and meant every word, but now that i'm going back to that insomniac city, the words feel false, the tone turned bitter, as if the past me is playing a joke on present me
this time will be different, i keep telling myself,
and it will, but it won't
it's all already laid out before me like the mad writings of a lonely genius, nothing to do no one to see nowhere to go but deeper into research, burrow deeper into the hole of self-doubt, self-pity, a realm with no answers, only more scribbles and doodles and
questions with no answers
i've used the same camera for months, i couldn't load film into it last weekend
my hand shook, the cigarette fell
ash spewed onto my backseat
i'm happy, i have to be
right? because this isn't sadness
the way my throat gets dry and my mind wanders and my feet lead me to the kitchen,
this can't be sadness, right?
the way i take a few steps and turn around because in a few moments i convinced myself that i didn't want to go that way, that that way is not important
the way i hate everything i love
the way i run to you and the way i slap you in the face, shut the door, turn the lock
i've blindfolded myself - or maybe i was born this way - and stopped where i was months, years, maybe a decade ago
i stopped, and i'm standing
and i'm waiting for someone to lead the way
no i don't want someone to gently take me by the hand and say soothing words in my ear as i take small, delicate steps
no, fuck that shit.
for however long i've been standing here, someone occasionally comes by, does just that, whispers, gently leads, let's go when i'm ready, and somehow, somehow, somehow
somehow i find myself cemented to wherever they left me, wherever i started
no no i'm not waiting for someone to lead the way
i want someone to fucking shove me as hard as they can, push with all the love and energy and all the human emotion they possess
i don't want them to worry about the force or if i'll fall, how hard i'll fall, how hard i'll get hurt
i want to stop feeling like i'm flying when i'm actually swimming, sinking, drowning
but really, i just want donuts.