sighs of

when all you want to do is be skinny
the days don't matter, and the way the sun shines is never right
your dollar store tights are ripping and you don't care
the shirt you found in your brother's closet is too big and you like the way it envelopes you and hugs you and whispers that you'll never be too large for it
you just care about the next cigarette, and wonder what you'll do when the pack's empty
you find yourself blankly reading words, listening in conversations,
blankly
you answer the call of your next meal, tell the tea kettle to shush, end the whistling and the groaning and the growling
the mirror lies to you, widens you, you stare and stare and can't seem to understand what is going wrong, what isn't happening, when life will begin
your favorite jeans are falling off you and you don't notice
all you hear are lies, the comforting words that aren't so comforting
they're true but you don't want to hear
you just want to sit alone with your stupid cigarette and your stupid book and your stupid thoughts and your stupid life
the conversations are profound, and the education is high quality, ivy substance
but your parent's money can't erase and replace your stupid soul
the world becomes duller, viewed through sleepy red slits, life is a cloud and
you wish you could be a cloud


mmm unfinished, i think. i'd like to do something more with this. but whatever. if anyone was wondering, i no longer have a craving for donuts baaahahaha

stuck between places

i want donuts. and by "want donuts" i mean "fuck i need to lose 5 or 10 more pounds before i can even begin to think about eating a donut"
my pants don't fit right
my coffee is too sweet, not sweet enough
mad men is getting even more intense, i'm zoning out
i'm falling asleep in class. the professor asks questions, i know the answers, but instead of raising my hand and getting all this pent-up knowledge out, releasing all this brilliance, i keep it to myself, collect and collect and hoard and wait for the right moments that never come
i filled out the application, and meant every word, but now that i'm going back to that insomniac city, the words feel false, the tone turned bitter, as if the past me is playing a joke on present me
this time will be different, i keep telling myself,
and it will, but it won't
it's all already laid out before me like the mad writings of a lonely genius, nothing to do no one to see nowhere to go but deeper into research, burrow deeper into the hole of self-doubt, self-pity, a realm with no answers, only more scribbles and doodles and
questions with no answers
i've used the same camera for months, i couldn't load film into it last weekend
my hand shook, the cigarette fell
ash spewed onto my backseat
i'm happy, i have to be
right? because this isn't sadness
the way my throat gets dry and my mind wanders and my feet lead me to the kitchen,
this can't be sadness, right?
the way i take a few steps and turn around because in a few moments i convinced myself that i didn't want to go that way, that that way is not important
the way i hate everything i love
the way i run to you and the way i slap you in the face, shut the door, turn the lock
i've blindfolded myself - or maybe i was born this way - and stopped where i was months, years, maybe a decade ago
i stopped, and i'm standing
and i'm waiting for someone to lead the way
no i don't want someone to gently take me by the hand and say soothing words in my ear as i take small, delicate steps
no, fuck that shit.
for however long i've been standing here, someone occasionally comes by, does just that, whispers, gently leads, let's go when i'm ready, and somehow, somehow, somehow
somehow i find myself cemented to wherever they left me, wherever i started
no no i'm not waiting for someone to lead the way
i want someone to fucking shove me as hard as they can, push with all the love and energy and all the human emotion they possess
i don't want them to worry about the force or if i'll fall, how hard i'll fall, how hard i'll get hurt
i want to stop feeling like i'm flying when i'm actually swimming, sinking, drowning
but really, i just want donuts.

mini-roadtrip

had a nice weekend adventure to michigan with my friend caitlin. will hopefully post photos or something soon.

putting this here for the time being. narcissism.

still have a long way to go, but i'm happy so far.
these shorts didn't fit last summer.
thought of a tattoo idea the other day. it's pretty epic. teacup on my ribcage. and more motivation to lose weight. i'm pretty excited.

4/20. today is tuesday. tomorow is wednesday.

that last post was really personal. i feel i should say something about it, but i feel i shouldn't. just one of those things.

not feeling very inspired right now, sort of worn out, sort of relaxed, sort of lots of things i don't want to put into words... so bear with me as i ramble about life like the good ole days.
no class tomorrow, and not much reading, SO i have this list of possibilities:
1. work out. yay yay! first class was cancelled today, and i used the extra time to write a paper, so didn't get anything in. and i spent this past weekend eating nutella brownies. OBESITY.
2. make chocolate chip pancakes
3. hit up the local coffee shop and catch up on some personal reading
4. actually read ahead for class
5. look for a job -_-
6. watch mad men
7. finish current roll of film and learn how to use/what's wrong with my other new camera
8. oh and spring cleaning. i.e. going through my clothes and re-working/ripping things up for ze spring and summer months

i'm sure i'll settle with a mixture of all of that.
someone come have an adventure with me!
the cloud has passed over my life momentarily. i'm trying to take advantage of this. HENCE THE POSSIBILITY OF PANCAKES.

in the wrong place

i am in the wrong place. always in the wrong place.
stop being so useless.
you are a waste of a human being.
a waste of friendship,
waste of time.
let's move to the west coast.
no, seriously, this summer
let's just pack up and start driving.
we'll worry about everything when we get there.
this isn't working.
you are useless.

you mean everything

she read the words on her wall like she did every morning, you mean everything.
whether it was true or not, it didn't matter.
she thought about all the people who hadn't said those words to her, the people she wanted to simply look at her and say, i couldn't live without you.
even if they didn't mean it.
she made herself a cup of tea, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and perched herself on the front porch swing. she thought about yesterday, tomorrow, last weekend.
she thought about the people in her life, the people who weren't in her life, and wondered whether she'd ever uttered those words, you mean everything.
the thoughts began to sting like the cigarette smoke, drifting down her throat, up her nose, making her eyes water. she took a sip of the scalding tea to ease it all.
as hard as she tried to smoke away the memories and drink away the memories, they kept wafting into her head as the scent of the flowers. the bees buzzed and she wondered if it was mating season. she wondered the same thing the other day, when she sat in the same spot, drinking out of the same mug, but the mug was filled with coffee and she had been reading a book. the bees were buzzing, but she wasn't thinking about meaning anything to anyone, whether anyone meant anything to her.
she grabbed her camera from her room, to take photos of the smoke, the flowers, the everything, wondering all the while whether it actually meant anything to her. it did, she decided. she looked at the plants and thought, you mean everything. she looked at the budding trees, you mean everything. she looked at the cigarette in her hand, you mean everything. as the hot liquid slid down her throat, as the camera made its noises, as the fedex truck drove by, as faces popped into her memory.


ok before i fuck this up [i don't know how to end things! lol], i'm going to go wander somewhere since it's nice out. the other day i received in the mail some photos from a long-distance friend. on the photos she had etched into them "you mean everything." i could write forever about this, and smile forever about this.

10 things

thanks so much to kaulani for passing the "honest scrap award" to me. i have to say 10 honest, uncommon things about myself, so here goes:

1. i'm left-handed.
2. i'm really into recycling. i don't just mean putting paper, cardboard, and plastic into bins; i mean reusing the things we would normally throw away. i've made collages and journals from old magazines, and a few months ago i started some art projects with tea bags [i drink A LOT of tea.] and newspapers. hopefully sharing this will give me motivation to finish. our consumerist society really terrifies and disgusts me. we should use less materials and what we do use, we should find ways to use it completely and not overlook its potential for beauty and value.
3. when i say i don't know what to do with my life, i sincerely mean it. a lot of people doubt me, because i mention things more than others and occasionally stick to something for a while... but it always changes. i haven't declared a major yet. i'm only studying english because i don't hate literature as much as i hate everything else. i'm starting to hate literature too. i really have no gauge of and no confidence in my abilities. my future is a brick wall.
4. i really love spongebob squarepants. he's the happiest, sweetest, simplest cartoon character i've ever seen and he ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
5. i wore braces for about 4 years [4th-7th grade?]. my smile is one of the few things i take pride in.
6. i'm terrified of coral reef, and i don't know why.
7. i think more than i should, and do less than i should.
8. i'm afraid i'll never find someone to fall in love with. i'm afraid i'll be alone forever.
9. i like connecting with people in old-fashioned ways - writing letters, sending postcards, bonding over a cigarette.
10. it has taken me a very long time to write these things, and i think i'm over-thinking everything haha. and i'm sure in a little while i'll think of so many better, more interesting things i could have said.

and now i'm supposed to choose 6 people for this award. unfortunately i don't follow that many bloggers, and i doubt i even have that many readers [LOL]. but i'll pass this on to:
1. genevieve because her writing is inspiring, original, beautiful and, appropriately, honest. read her poems and i guarantee you'll feel more alive.
2. soogie because she's one of the most honest people i know. she writes about her life in a straight-forward, unembellished way. her posts are a direct reflection of her personality, and i often find myself laughing or being in a better mood by the time i finish reading.
3. tomi [even though she probably won't read this] because she really is honest and true to herself. her posts are usually reflections on experiences and life in general.

and that concludes my list =/ i would have included bri, but i don't know how often she gets on here anymore lol.
anyway, hope you enjoyed.

time for some happiness

soogie, taken last summer

thought i'd take a break from the gloomy prose.
i want summer NOW.

9:26pm, rain. [4/5/10]

9:26pm, rain. the gods
must've heard my cries
of distress.
or maybe i alone caused
it all, nature a reflection
of myself, my element
reacting for me. rage in
thunder, sparks of lightning
as the angry sobs of my
soul's despair. the incomplete
answer to my questions of
humanity, the future. it's all
a bit dim and blurred in the
downpour, maybe just wait
a bit until the rain settles.
the thunder and lightning
won't last, the rain is
harmless. unless it accumulates
so much so it floods us. but
we won't let it accumulate. oh
no, no we can't let it do that.

taking a deep breath

taking a deep breath.
that's all i can do right now.
the words kept spilling on the page, my eyes kept glossing over, i kept writing, i kept reading, i kept thinking, i kept getting sad.
so i'm taking a deep breath.
i'm trying to make this breath mean as little as possible, trying to not give it extra meaning or strength, trying to not let it become too much of me.
i've done this too much, too often:
overwhelm, relax, cry, laugh, take a break.
i've done it all too much, and the only solution i can come up with is to take a breath.
but this very breath is coming so much more and i don't know what to do.
it's escaping my mouth, drifting, and as much as i try to understand and grasp it, as hard as i try to cage it, it just slips into all the other chaos in my life
and i don't know what to do.
counter-productive paranoia
a choking breath, a killing breath
i'm taking a deep breath.

loose translation: I'M FUCKED. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP. OR DON'T HELP, JUST BE. I MISS LIFE. WHY DON'T I FEEL ALIVE? WHY IS THIS LIFE KILLING ME? WHEN WILL I GET A GRASP ON THINGS AGAIN? why is the beautiful weather making me angry? why do i keep tearing my bed sheets? why am i too afraid to share what i'm actually thinking? why do i have no one to tell these things to? no, you don't count. yes, i'm in a terrible mood.