when it doesn't exist

he says i sit in silence
but how can he know of the constant ramblings of my soul
the overpouring of my mind into this and that and that
i don't say anything because i've already lied so much
to him, something i'm not quite
but something wholly incorrect in all the right ways
he says i sit in silence
but he doesn't know how i've spent my entire life making noise
being so loud in all the wrong ways
a rumbling gurgling being that needed a timeout
he says all this
because he doesn't know how i've become an old, old woman
the weighted life of a ventriloquist
becoming so tired, aged in strange ways
he says i sit in silence
but i don't even understand what silence is
for how can i
when it doesn't exist
and he fills my head with lies and bad jokes
a misinformation of a generation
he says and i look of the window at the grass
and the houses and the trees and his words get lost in mine

shitty mood. i am frustrated. i am everything. i need to get out of this fucking city. i need to get off this planet.