twinkling

she would have called it a quiet sadness
but it was really more of a resignation
an accepting of the unfortunate way of the world
she determinedly put one foot in front of the other
marched in a rhythmic and fast sort of way
only because she wasn't ready to die
in headlights or beneath tires
or hear the thud of her body and bag
as one hitting the cold pavement
or warm depending on who was last there and when
it was loneliness of course
but not the usual kind that ruined lives
and ended friendships and began tears
but the unrelenting kind that lingered
between sentences and behind retinas
it was a twinkling a low burning
like a flame about to be extinguished
others saw the twinkling but said nothing
or she would try to share it and someone would
just brush it off without much of anything
though resigned and dying it was real nonetheless
so real it was imaginary to almost everyone
she was consumed by it so
she thought it was just ordinary sadness
a touch of melancholy to balance out
the overjoyed therapy obsessed plasticity
the dwindling twinkling could have been prevented of course
or at least delayed a bit
if only someone had been aware of the way
her muscles seized up and prevented her from
moving and turning her head
paralyzed so much so that opening her mouth
uttering a few greetings were nearly impossible
she only felt connected to the earth
a sort of pulsing she couldn't feel from her peers
she only kept walking because standing still
just meant still being and being wasn't something she understood
she gave herself away to the way of the world
unfortunate as it is
and she left having spoken millions of words
walked thousand of miles
all swirling lost in the twinkling

=( i hate to summarize my current state of being in an emoticon, but there you have it. my life is all sorts of unfortunate.