birthday breakdown

my insides burn
and i was kicking and screaming and
i was crying
blind eyes tearing photos from the wall
ripping the only pieces of my existence
a collage in its separate pieces,
hours later i look at the damage i've done and i mourn for
hours later and my mom doesn't know a thing
a new plant to keep me company a new plant to freshen a new plant to kill
i was crying and grasping,
never enough hair to pull or tissues to use
acid mocks the throat
pancakes are funny, the way they go down so easy
and then scheme with the eggs and hashbrown to fight their way up back to daylight
up and back to normalcy, back to lies, back to disappointing reality
there's never anything to do but lay in bed and recognize the ugly laying with me
there is only ever these moments, this bed, the world outside with you with them over there there far away, that world doesn't exist
just as i don't exist
so tempted to text him, let him know that i'm going to die alone that i'm dying alone and he was right
sobs so loud i wonder how my ears hold such pressure, a heaving silence, always grasping rasping
one day i'll die in this bed i know it, maybe not today but someday
and my stomach will churn in emptiness and medicine
laying paralyzed in the days of
hours later and no one knows
hours and days and months
waiting to

most of this isn't good, but i'm too afraid to write the words, not ready to write the things i want/need to say.