the one i mentioned in my last post

right now i wish i was in that diner with you again, that place we stumbled upon at 1am or 2am or whatever dark hour.
i wish that other night had lasted longer
you know, that one party, with those people.
i don’t remember much,
but i remember the way the smoke curled so beautifully outside the apartment
when we stood in a circle all bleary-eyed and glad to shed our identities for a few hours
the way we looked at each other and knew
oh god and the.
sometimes my life seems like it’s just meant to be a series of diners, gas stations, cigarettes, cups of tea
that’s all i remember, anyway.
i really don’t know what we talked about, why things were important, why i don’t like that person anymore
i don’t even remember what i used to love doing,
you know, like i pick up my camera and a part of me says, what are you doing, you don’t want to do that. and then another part says, what the fuck, of course you want to do this, take the damn photo. but why? because. and so on.
then that asshole says, well what do you want your career to be. career. what the fuck, can’t a person just live anymore
shouldn’t we first learn just how to live and then maybe.
then maybe
shit, nothing good every comes after that. then maybe. then maybe then maybe
too much uncertainty, all that dead air, too many possibilities.
i don’t like maybes.
i always say maybe
maybe we could do this maybe i’ll do this maybe she thought maybe he’ll maybe they. maybe that time was.
and i always fucking go back to that place,
that time when we were together
we were both there.
you ate your eggs and i cut my pancakes with a fork
and we both sipped our water
we laughed at the waiter. or was it waitress.
see, some things just don’t stick.
i don’t remember the person but i remember the way we giggled when they were out of earshot, the way we exchanged questioning glances and the.


i sort of like where it is. i don't know if the incompleteness/ambiguity/shortness has grown on me or if i'm just too afraid to keep going.

maybe

if you were to sum up your life in one word, what would it be?
and i mean realistically
not any of this Love or Peace or God shit
i mean something like IDontKnow or Yes or No or Maybe
the things you make a part of yourself.
you inject these things every day.
sort of like the way when you drink too much coffee
the blackness oozes all over and into your soul.
or the way you sit down to write or draw or do whatever
and then can't figure out what you want to say.
that thing that floats above your head,
you swatswat to catch or repel it
but it's a sneaky one and lands right there
yep right on top of
right in
right near.
and it becomes silent and weaves itself into you.
you speak about it but don't know what it is,
you love it but can't see it,
you write it but don't think about it,
it becomes that much a part of you.
it stares you in the face,
and you stare back
look right through it.
it can't be Love because the love in your life changes, one love isn't the same as another love, one love disguises itself in things that aren't love, things that aren't love disguise themselves as love, it just doesn't work.
it can't be anything like Hope or Purple or even Life.
but But is always the same, Yes is always the same, It is always the same, Come is always the same, Window is always the same
because behind those things is something greater



funny story behind this. i was/am writing another poem and i got stuck. a word was becoming important, and i didn't mean for it to. i started thinking about the word and, since i've been thinking about the tattoo i want to get, i thought about having the word tattooed on me. because whatever i do decide, it has to be really meaningful to me, you know? it needs to be something that will, in a way, sum up my entire life. so that led me to question what the perfect word for my life would be.
funnily enough, i started this because i couldn't finish the other poem but now i can't finish this one.

weekend

it's here.
it will make sweet love to you,
rescue you from the horror that was your week.
kind
gentle
warm
and then it will fucking leave without saying goodbye
or leaving a note.
it will leave your house empty,
your bed cold,
your body longing for more.
you will hate it
once it's gone.
but don't worry for now it's only just arriving
and soon you will forget why you were ever mad at it
you will hold it and say "oh, i love you."
but.
but

i enjoy posting these stream of consciousness poems, but does anyone enjoy reading them? haha... i would so love to perform these because i notice i have a way of reading them in my head, a way that would probably make them make a lot more sense. anyway, happy weekend.

birthday

i didn't want to post this on flickr, so i'm putting it here. for the close-up and story behind it click here.

the wind

"oh, you know her. she's just lost in the wind. doesn't know which way she's going. basically not going anywhere. she's not making progress, you know. living like that... it's just not good for a body."
"how can we help?"
"well... i don't think we can, really. the wind's a strong thing... how can we fight the wind, you know?"


i'm so scared right now.

he said,

i would watch her scribble in the margins, ignoring the powerpoint. i wanted to ask her what she wrote, drew, take a peek, but i was always too afraid. too afraid she wasn't very interesting, or i not enough for her. perhaps these are the things she wondered at too, our inadequacy


one of my lit classes gets really boring sometimes, but damn, i sure do enjoy the boys i sit by.

valentine's day

you know, i'm not sad.
i'm not feeling any lonelier today than usual
i don't feel pitiful for not having a valentine, a boyfriend, a lover
i feel perfectly fine,
because today is sunday and the sun is shining and i'm listening to beautiful music
and it's just another day.
i feel sad for those who are sad today
for those who use this day to feel terrible about themselves and their current relationship situation.
don't be sad.
don't look around and measure your love, the love you give and receive, to the love of the rest of the world.
don't look at that couple and long for the terrible relationship you left.
don't look in the mirror and question why someone's not standing behind you with his arms wrapped around you, his face snuggled into your neckhair whisperinginyourear.
don't eat the chocolates and wish instead that you were eating coal, dick, sadness, life.
don't, don't think about calling him or texting him or saying to him, hey how are you, i was thinking about you, when last week you didn't care about him or think about him.
don't watch that movie. you'll only feel worse. you are not meg ryan, he is not tom hanks. it won't work, and you're not going to have your happy ending.
don't forget about that cat, puppy, peak of sunlight, hot chocolate, song, afternoon, summer rain. those shoes, that dress, that photo you took in these things. that friend, you know the one, we all have one, that friend who puts a smile on your face, that friend who embarrasses you and annoys you and absolutely loves you and absolutely makes you happy with the world, the one who makes you look at the skymoonsunstarsgodwhatever and say, thank you for creating this being, this being is perfect and lovely and extraordinary. that art, that art you do every day, the writingdrawingdreamingpaintingworking, don't forget the way it makes you feel inside, deep deep inside, that lightning.
just don't forget.
because the love that can be displayed, dispensed, discarded in a day, well that's not love. it's not love, and you shouldn't be sad for it.
if it can be summed up in a day, i don't want it. the greatest wonders, treasures take daysyears to reveal themselves. the books, people, meaning in my life still surprise me, uncovering thisthat, i'll never know it all, i may never understand it all, the beauty in complexity.
so don't ever trust a card you bought for a dollar, or a bear sewn through someone's hard labor in thatonecountry, or candy-filled chemicals, or that guy who broke your heart but promises not to do it again, or commercials, those damn commercials. don't trust that couple, because they will break up.
please, for me,
just try to trust yourself,
trust your life,
trust thatbeing who will mold it into something beautiful
trust that beautylovehappinesswhatever will manifest itself
it will say, hello
i'll let you fill in the rest.
stop wasting your time on
don't forget to look at, to love
remember



this poem got way long, way out of hand, but i'm okay with that.

scatter-brained

i just realized how scatter-brained i am.
i'm not sure if it's something newly acquired, or if i've been like this all along and it's just gotten worse.
for example, one morning a few weeks ago i made a cup of tea. after taking a few sips and turning on the tv, i decided to make a smoothie. i don't know about you, but i only have one mouth and can only drink one drink at a time. i didn't even remember the tea until after i started drinking my smoothie. needless to say, the tea was cold by the time i actually finished it.
lately i've been stopping in the middle of songs to watch a video on youtube. or i'll be watching an episode of one of my favorite shows online, and pause in the middle of it to download and listen to completely unrelated songs.
i frequently check twitter, tumblr or facebook in the middle of what i'm doing. after a few minutes i almost completely forget what i had been doing originally.
i open a new tab and immediately forget what site i wanted to go to. i go to some other site. after a few minutes i remember exactly what i needed to do.
i open iTunes and forget to play a song.
i just remembered i have laundry that needs to be taken out of the dryer.
my tea is cold, and i haven't started working on the essay i told myself to work on about three hours ago.
i am now going to open word and work on the essay, stop to watch the video of saul williams i began before starting this post. then i will watch the episode of modern family i started before the other video. if all works out, i'll probably pause in the middle of modern family or community [next on my list] to get something to eat. with that i'll probably make more tea or drink some more port.
i'll probably eventually get back to that half-listened to song.
tonight, maybe, i'll remember the laundry.

SNOW!

one huge sigh as i shovel, trek, sneeze, freeze, drink.
i'd LOVE for classes to be cancelled. but alas...

talking to the ground

"i look at this ground every day and i say, hello ground. the ground stares back at me and says, why are you alone again? and i stare back. i lift my camera to my face, focus, take the photo. the ground says, that still doesn't change anything."

just something i thought of when i was looking at my latest upload on flickr. i basically just need more people in my life.