back in the 614

had a great week [except for the death of Michael Jackson. may he rest in peace along with Farrah Fawcett. omg and Billy Mays!], preparing for another!

i love summer,

and i love nutella.

off to virginia tomorrow! WV on sunday, then back to ohio +1 [lyapa!]

my summer 09 anthem:

will be blasting this all day while i'm driving.

on days like this,

i realize that even if i could only leave the confines of my house for five minutes, it would be worth it for a summer evening. i would be happy forever if i could taste the warm sunset, smell the fresh grass and earth beneath me, and feel the presence of lightning bugs and relaxed spirits. just a few moments.

blueberry pancakes & boarding school.

they were good, i swear.

surprisingly insightful and relatable, this book has made its way into my top 30 or so.

oh so silly.

life is so silly. i'm tired of it.

is it just me, or do friends suck?

i know, i know. i swore off ranting online a few months ago, confining all the soul-bearing to my actual journal as opposed to this artificial world we've created on the internet. but alas, my recent musings have left me perplexed and i don't think i can search within myself anymore or else i'll become even more insane than i already am. SO. call me cynical, pessimistic, jaded, whatever, but i'm getting so tired of everyone and everything. i mean, i'm sure it's mostly me, but i'm feeling like it's so hard to connect with people. coming back home, i think i had a lot of expectations of how things will be. of course, i'm always disappointed because i fantasize [being] in a strangely idealistic world. a world where i hang out with friends, live simply, and slowly ruin my life by choosing passion over reason in almost every situation. growing up is hard in movies and television, supposedly a mirror of real life, but growing up in real life seems infinitely more difficult to me because the options present in movies and tv just aren't quite here. i don't know if that makes sense, but i guess i just keep realizing that we ARE all growing up, and life can't be as simple as i want it to be. but anyway, back to friends. i'm also realizing that some of the friends i have/had aren't people i really want in my life. i'm not trying to sound melodramatic. it's just that i think i dealt with people in high school and other places because they were all i knew. i mean, i was pretty sheltered. it was like people became my friends by default. i'm not trying to hate or anything, but i feel like we should get past this "oh yeah, we're friends because we've been friends for so long..." thing without any real basis. i'm definitely not talking about all of my friends. just the ones that happen to appear occasionally and act like we have a real friendship when we don't. and i think i've changed to the point where i don't want to associate with certain people. maybe that's harsh, i don't know, but i'm tired of the wholesome, preaching drones. i don't want to try to talk to someone, knowing they won't understand what i'm saying because they can't grasp any other ideas than what they've been taught growing up. and even religion aside, some personalities are beginning to clash with my own and i don't see how i dealt with it before. maybe i've changed too much. maybe i'm just really fucking fed up with my friends AND myself that i'm just fishing for all the worst things i can say. maybe i don't understand why i'm finally "home", yet i feel completely alone, stranded within the limits of myself. WITHIN THE LIMITS OF MYSELF. i think that's what it all comes down to. i complain and try to blame others, but i'm just unhappy with where i am. for some reason, i'm not able to change my position, and decide that everyone else must change theirs. strange. even though i'm not done ranting, i'm going to stop here because this is getting ridiculous. so yes, it's me. but yes, friends do also suck. this is all ridiculous, and i'm sorry if you read it all. but hey, you didn't have to... so i suppose i don't really need to apologize. buuut this shall be continued another time.
[i think what i mean to say is that i've found myself hating practically everyone i know. but i'm not entirely sure if that's what i mean to say...]

right now:

no money.
no job.
no major.
no [serious] plans.

BUT
in a week, i'm going on a mini-roadtrip! how it will work with the things listed above, i don't know. but that's what i love about life. haha...

and to be fair, i have an interview on monday, which could eliminate the first 2. and i suppose i do have some sort of plans... but i think you get my point...

so i want to know:

what are YOU getting out of life?
and seriously, what is it that you're working towards? what brings you happiness? what is your life leading up to? are you there yet? close? why are you headed in that direction? do you actually love what you're doing? or do just want to want that? did someone tell you when you were young that you would be doing this? did anyone tell you that you have to do this? does your life have any passion? what do you feel? do you feel alone? do you feel lost, confused...? or does it all make sense? do you feel like you're growing up? do you think you're figuring everything out? do you still have the same dreams as when you were 10? 13? 16? 18? what has changed? why? were you happier then? are you happy now? things change, but why do some consistently stay the same? why do the stages in our life clash so violently? do you feel the clash? why do parents protect their children from a thing they have no control over? were you protected? are you glad you were? are you glad you weren't? when will people stop trying to act like they know what's going on in the world? does anyone know? do you know?

this started as something else, and evolved into that. completely different, yet a summary of the thoughts floating in this strange head of mine. 3:18am and none the simpler.

well, of course.

6/1

everything is so silly. nothing makes sense. there is no purpose, no clarity.