drowning afloat

days full of pain
it seems
i haven't felt before
waiting
and worrying
anticipating the
release peace
praying to whatever
for courage
hoping i fit in
this future
hoping i follow through
this anxiety
getting anxiety
raining anxiety
for me to drown in
the water
cool dark
so silent
so silent so
i don't know whether to expect
a crash
to destroy
the progress
or a wave
to relieve
the pressure
drowning afloat
come
whatever ship may come

there's just something about
wearing your boyfriend's underwear
and pants
but the pants are women's
and a men's tshirt
with a men's button-up
layered on top
paired with some boots
that are falling apart
like this
shield
of fear
and uncertainty
doubt and worry
wash away
in tears of
joy
in rivers of
paradise

2 weeks

between dreaming and awake

drifting somewhere between dreaming and...
awake
in this twilight
waiting for the moment
when leaping
is the only answer
the only
salvation
as the old crumbles
and our feet
land
on new earth
crumple from the impact
but pick ourselves back
up again
and continue
this journey
into the sunset

he chose me

i'm learning to destroy my insecurities before they destroy me.
i don't know why i doubt myself so often when i'm wrapped in the greatest reassurance.
he told me it took him 10 years to find someone he wanted to take back to california with him.
and suddenly it hit me.
i'm the one.
i never thought i'd be anyone's "one"
i never in a million years thought i would find someone to call my own, someone who lives and breathes my soul, someone who accepts me at my worst, someone who seems to believe in me more than anyone else has, someone who refuses to give up on me.
and i remember, of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me. and he chooses me every day.
and i marvel at the fact that i've found someone with whom i want to start a new life. things will be "ours." and not just "things"... i'll finally meet his family. i/we already consider him a part of mine, now i'm just waiting until i can form these new relationships. and, though we're not getting married yet, our families will be one.
i don't see myself ever letting go. i can't speak for stefan completely, but i've found that what we have isn't something that i can easily let go or will vanish tomorrow. the roots of our love run deep.
so when everything else seems to be crumbling around me, i have this.
and this hope will carry me into our new future.

march, already?

spring is coming.
let me update you on my life a bit.
i'm a few weeks away from completing my pharmacy technician training class. it's been a lot of fun. i had forgotten how much i missed being in school. i've learned a lot, and i'm getting more and more excited about entering this field.
i don't know, i kind of feel like i'm actually growing up a bit. i'm an adult?
aaaaand i'm preparing to move to California with my boyfriend Stefan! after my class ends in late march, we'll probably be packing up early april and heading out. it's such a big step, but i'm ready for something new. what blows my mind is that i've found someone i truly love enough to move across the country with, and essentially start a new life together. i can't wait. true, it's a little scary. i'll be far away from the few people i care about. but all of the good in this situation outweighs any possible negative. it's time for me to make a leap in my life. i've been resting for too long. i've been in ohio for too long. i've found something truly amazing in stefan, and i'm not letting it go. our relationship has grown in so many ways, and i'm looking forward to the way it will continue to flourish.
i must say, that generally in the last month i have been really happy. because of a crazy incident in early february, i haven't really been taking my meds, and i feel great. maybe i'm oversimplifying my situation, or overlooking details... but it had been a while since i could feel okay at all without some sort of medication. or maybe i had just been medicated for too long that i had forgotten what it felt like to feel more normal, more comfortable "in my own skin," to feel less like a zombie. i feel like i've been enjoying life more again. i don't feel 100% back to myself, but i think this move will give me the push to stretch my boundaries and find myself again... or even more, reinvent myself and find a new way of being. a more peaceful mindset. finally find the things that will work for me. find find find, i'm on a mission. to enjoy my existence and live to my greatest potential.
bring on the new adventures!

not all those who wander are lost

in lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring gandalf writes frodo a letter when he isn't able to meet them in bree. in it he includes a poem about aragorn:

all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
from the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renewed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.

since the first time i read lord of the rings in middle school, this has been one of my favorite lines, if not the favorite. it has helped me get through some rough times, and serves as a reminder that, no matter what path i take, there is still hope. and it's taught me that it's okay to live a lifestyle that may not be normal or conventional, that it's okay if you're still figuring shit out. it's about the journey to find who you really are and what works for you.

(i chose this spot on my arm because it is mostly hidden, and because it will give me more motivation to lose weight so i have beautiful skinny arms. haha)