optimism

just because you're
stuck
in a cave
doesn't mean
you
can't see
the light shining
on the walls

and even better
is when
you
begin to
believe in the light
and trust it enough
to
let it
lead
you
to the wonders
beyond

journal 10/16/13

I feel like I've lost myself in a maze, and I can't find my way out.

general frustrations

why do i waste
time
energy
feelings
on people?
when people don't waste any
time
energy
feelings
even pretending to care.
i guess it comes down to
the fact
that no one understands
or
wants to understand.
maybe i expect too much,
but i wake up alone
go to sleep alone
and in between
i'm alone.
people go about their lives
while my world is
crumbling.
i can't blame anyone for living
but i wonder:
why do i bother
living?

leftovers

sometimes
leftovers are good
when you're feeling lazy
or you've had a busy day
but right now
i can only think about
having no one
to feed

soup existence

cooking alone and
eating alone
i wanted to cry
but the onion beat me to it
tears without emotion
without thought
without the weight
of your body
laying on my memory
fading between
the good and bad
swirling
until it all becomes
one in the bowl
losing myself in the warmth
my burnt tongue
matches the burn
left on my heart
raw and regretting
the moment i began to care

a spotless mind?

in so many states
like joel and clem
but i hope you don't erase me
from your memory
perhaps it's better if you do
perhaps it's better if i do
instead of thinking about how
we're in too many states
with
too many miles
separating us time
and time again
feeling the same
echo pull
my soul to yours
not sure how to stop
these dreams and desires
not sure if i want to
stop the chaotic lust
drinking about you
filling empty nights
filling empty thoughts
hoping they weren't
empty memories
empty now lying awake
dreaming of the way
you used to fill me
with your affection, your body,
your time now so
separate from mine
and i wonder if
there will be a time
when we exist
as something again

lately it has been a lot of nostalgia and wishful thinking. i miss her terribly.

music

listening to the music you suggested
and i feel better
but i also feel worse
thinking about the possibility of
you sitting in your room
thousands of miles away
listening to these same songs
when not long ago you were
here next to me
listening to songs
feeling songs
feeling our song consume us
and trap us in a trance
dancing delight devouring us
delusional playing
with each other's hearts
the cacophony a harmonic orchestra
in my head
lovely music

forget

i am forgetting
what it's like to
sleep
forgetting
what it's like to
feel
but as hard as i try
i can't forget
how your body used to press against mine
providing warmth on cold nights
warmth when my soul got chilly
your presence
soothing like a cup of tea
i won't forget
waking up to those blue eyes every morning
feeling like the luckiest girl in the world
i'm starting to think that
i'll never forget
the way
your words
hit me like a drop of honey
sweet on my tongue
down to the bottom of my memory
but i am forgetting
what it was like
when you weren't
in my life
and i am forgetting
how to live
without you
here

same

it
takes away the sun
each night
but that
same force
returns
the light
without fail

no
friends
no
lovers
no
thing
to remind me
why i'm living
no
air
to breathe
or exchange
only this
sadness
this
weight
this
cloud
with rain that never ceases
no
rest
for these eyes

i could go on and on, but honestly, who's even reading anymore?

bitter

bitter coffee
to get the
bitter taste
of
her name
out of my mind