i know no salvation

driving in my car with just the indiana windmills
and a pack of cigarettes
back where i was a few years ago
an emotional wreck
a lonely traveler
still looking for the one
who will fill my bed and
consume my heart
someone who wants just me
and the pieces
i carry
too weak a soul
for the demands of others
and i demand too much
it seems
because no one can
stay
safely away from my demons
in the momentary puff
i know no salvation
and i am learning
to ask for none

alright

some moments i feel
alright
better than
alright
i'm breathing
for the first time
today
it's true
i've taken too many breaths
already
but
this
new awakening
tastes like the past
but without the
bitterness
the tea of life
rests on my
tongue tied
and tossed around
by the demons in my
head
and i sigh
and i swirl
the energetic matter
to form words and
form bonds
and with that
inhaleexhale
elahxeelahni
i consume
all that is vital
nourished
i find myself
alright
i find myself

when

what do you do
when
all you want to do is
sip tea or coffee at a coffee shop
smoking cigarette
after cigarette
when
you try to eat
and it leaves a
bad taste in your soul
and you leave
the memory of it
in the toilet bowl
you watch the bits and pieces
of happiness
swirl and disappear
when
the phone remains silent
and the messages stop
and you can't muster
the courage
to reach out first
because sometimes
it's hard to see
an outstretched arm in fog
when
this fog
filters into your being
weighs you down
keeps you from
the movement you
so desperately need
and when
you feel that
no matter how loud
you scream
only
silence will answer

.

just hoping for the courage to
stop myself
from grabbing the blade
so shiny and
so cool so smooth
against
my skin
on
fire
consuming
my last desires
my only hopes
i have only this
and days of
emptiness
a bed of
isolation
and no one to
watch
the blood rise to the surface

this is life (right now)

sitting here with my
coffee breath and coffee body
tired from trying to make sense of
these things
trying to figure out
which way
i'm turned
so i'm facing the wall
so i don't have to see
the faces
some so distant
they're only a dream now
and some
too near
that
i cannot breathe
from quiet night hours
i fade to afternoon sun
alone i carry
this heavy mind
this raging heart
trapped in a dissatisfied
existence
clothes too tight,
the future too vague
i crumble every moment
when i realize
this is life

messy business, love

will someone come
to help me
pick up the pieces
multiplying every moment it seems
messy business, love

puzzle

i will always remember
the way your lips tasted like excitement
and when i close my eyes
i can see your tattoos shining in the morning light
i can feel the warmth of your soul
as you hug me
goodbye, hello, just because
and i'll never forget the way
our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together
two pieces
finally joined at last
i was beginning to think
i was misplaced
but now i'm wondering
if maybe
i have no place at all

bleh.

it's hard to escape sadness
when within me
there is an ocean
a series of waves
crashing against
the shores
so full
of pleas for
the ship that sailed
away
to new lands
new discovery
for old oceans
have nothing to offer
the truly thirsty

some mornings

some mornings
i complain about waking up too early
but after a while
i am grateful
for the opportunity to see the
fresh day with fresh eyes
and with a cup of coffee in my hand
things seem like they'll be alright

and i can experience the joy
of looking forward to another
bright morning
always different than the last
but just as likely to reveal
the wonderful things
life has to show

meh this didn't quite become what i had intended. work in progress.

water & fire

after i got off the phone
after i paused the tears
i got in my car
put a plastic smile
on my face
for the good people of CVS
and bought 20 sticks
of calm and collection
to silence my sobbing heart
and i'll smoke these until the pack's empty
and i'll buy another pack
and another
and another
until my mind's empty
and the ache has dulled
and the light has faded
from the fire
started two years ago
the fire so neglected as of late
the fire, as it dwindles
will transplant to memory
and burning still will be
a prayer for consumption