though i can count the number of readers of this blog on my hand, i suppose a bit of an update is necessary. especially because i don't feel like sharing any writing right now.
i've spent the greater part of a week in the fetal position flooding myself in my own tears.
i keep contemplating cutting, suicide, running away.
i need to stop blaming myself, stop hating myself. i'm not weak.
i haven't showered since saturday.
i think i'm falling in love with a boy. or perhaps i'm already there. i don't know.
i don't remember the last time i had a full, uninterrupted night of sleep.
i'm on new medication.
i'm getting fat. (sort of. my perception is sort of fucked up.)
instead of driving to nowhereforever this afternoon, i went to my appointment with my therapist and had a bit of a breakthrough. i feel okay for right now.
but also anxious anxious anxious. i need to get out.
my journal is an absolute mess of sad thoughts, strange dreams, words to people i'll never utter out loud.
i lay in bed and watch movies, drink tea... but today i saw a glimpse of the future i had once dreamed a long time ago. it may not mean much, but at least i'm starting to see it again.
that means a lot to me. to someone like me. with disorders like mine that make even the next few hours impossible to imagine, see, trust, believe in.
i haven't had a sudden epiphany, and everything isn't magically in place, but i feel okay for right now.
this will probably change soon.
but that's okay.
About Me
- alia
- "too much stuff, too many places, too much information, too many people, too much of things for there to be too much of, there is too much to know and i don't know where to begin but i want to try."
2 comments:
things will change soon. and things will happen. i'm here for you. and i miss you terribly.
i'm coming back on friday...? i think~ let's play before i go to korea!
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