i wait i wake

i wake up every day and think of ways to kill myself
reasons methods
wonder what i'd accomplish with an extra week, year, decade
i go back to sleep to ease the thoughts
i play music to mirror my sadness
reflect deflect
i twist stretch and twist my body
force myself to
feel monitor
my breathing
i wake up some days and decide to just dull the pain a bit
a pill a body a cup of tea a binge a purge
all
amplified repeated
throbbing death ebbing existence
confession crying
diminished understated
i smoke another cigarette for the burn
cough
i bring memories to surface for the pain
clenching
truth in the
strangeness distance meaninglessness
a long hallway paced by the sanely insane
doctors nurses pills meals groups
strange distant meaningless
a patient comes a patient goes
no contact information
maybe a facebook friend request another numbered blank face
i felt home
now i wake up see familiar faces go familiar places
i feel death creeping closer
though i meditate and re-energize
become lithe sway into feline instincts
i crawl into bed more frequently
pray to buddha i don't have to wake up again
i scribble the nothingness of days
i wait