back in new york

first day of the semester, but i don't have any monday classes. (for now at least before i decide to entirely rearrange my schedule, which has happened in the past.)
i do have an appointment with the psychiatrist, though. depression swag.
i feel like there is so much i should be doing - buying books, working to erase the incompletes from last semester, looking for a job - but all i seem capable of is sitting with a cup of tea and my favorite book. drinking and reading a thousand times over, waiting for the mystery of the universe to unfold or for the world to end in great combustion. waiting for something.
i'll eventually wait outside, but it will be cold.
the sun will shine, but it will be cold.
i'll face the sunlight with cigarette and scarf
and winter will greet me uninvited
overstayed its welcome.
it's almost noon
and i'm wondering if anything is different, if noon yesterday had the same meaning as noon today. if i have the same meaning, the same chemicals in my body, the same rotting and decaying feeling in my limbs. if noon today is noon last week, noon last month.
at around three yesterday, as i watched the city coming closer closer to my view, i thought i felt a lifting. as if the plane itself transferred some of its miraculous qualities and i could lift myself away into the clouds with my newfound or reappeared bliss. i thought i felt a lifting. will three pm yesterday be the same as three pm today.
i'm here in the city now, a speck from yesterday's view. invisible between the skyline. i'm the city now. there's nothing to approach when you're already there.
so i wonder.
i'll wonder and watch, anticipate and avoid,
drink and read and smoke
and smile and lie and lay and sleep,
until...
what.
so i wonder.