thrift store, her summer.

she liked to drown her sorrows in other people's trash,
walked between long rows, examined clothes on racks, dreamed of claiming those sandals
or those pants, the right fitting
ice cream and cigarettes, these were on her mind most days
the showstress of a generation
wrote the tragedies of her generation
flailed on empty streets, moonlight reflecting her tears, she still thought of the sweetness of watermelon and the completeness of a cup of tea,
the simplicity of a hug
pieces and holes in a performer's life
carried the weight of her generation in the pockets of baggy clothing, in dreams too horrible for camera,
sandwiched between television shows and car rides
the hum of another's heart, this was on her mind most days

i've been in a sort of depression coma for the past week or so. i guess i still am? part of me just wants cookies and ice cream. and drugs.

6/22/10

sleep is a thing of the past, she said
it's 7am. i'm not tired, but i'll close my eyes anyway
she knew she'd wake up and nothing would be changed

the text

those moments, they last an eternity
to send or not send
open my mouth or continue dying
too scared to just jump,
just hope the rocks at the bottom won't be too sharp,
the rocks don't exist, really
but they exist to my mind, in the moment that lasts an eternity,
in those breaths as i think about leaping, leap, descend,
turn mid-air to grab the crippling cliff once more,
stable and fatal

talking and every other form of communication are just way too difficult for me.

wednesday

body sore in the middle of the week
fluorescent lights, bathing suits tight and honest
honestly ordinary
droplets sliding down glasses, lime bobbing in ginger
sugar in water
donut or two too much, coffee biting and clawing
exhausted throat, stiff muscles, cramped legs
players playing, dinner of french toast, familiar voice through the phone, laughter
long-lost laughter
watching the clouds go by really changes your perspective

mega-haiku about camping that's not at all about camping

i want to go camp
ing, yes leave this all behind
come, my friend, my home.

i want to go camp
ing, with all the monsters and
you, my love, my sun

rise. i want to go
camping, but the land lies bare
barren, my heart, lies.

world cup

that is my life right now.
summer, employment, things like that, will have to wait.
some viewing parties would be nice, though, right?
maybe i'll try to find some people who'd be interested.

summer vaca

so much to do, so much to read, so much to write
and so it begins.

i'm very sad. [cont.]

i'm starting to realize i can't let this consume me. i know
no one cares or understands, but sometimes
i just can't hold it in.
i don't want to let it out,
or let anything in.
but these tears have to go somewhere, the car will eventually run out of gas.
this life has to go somewhere.

i'm very sad.

can't share. don't want to share. want to live.

B-

so my shakespeare professor thinks i'm stupid, and i find this really hilarious.
i wrote a terrible paper out of spite, disinterest,
sometimes my emotions get the best of me
someone once said that graduate student professors are such hard-asses, always have something to prove
i didn't discover that until now
i'm laughing because i'm superior, genius in my wording,
i could care less about your grade
your comments are ridiculous,
i won't even read some of them because i know they're of no use to me
i know how to use examples, transition, form a compelling argument
but i won't do it for you
you wouldn't let me write about what i want to write about,
so i'm not going to give you what you want either

yeah, i'm sort of insane and chemically unbalanced. but i really don't need this self-righteous nonsense from someone who's been teaching for less than a couple years. i just choose really odd moments to be defiant, rebellious, and "humorous" in a twisted way. i'm also convinced she thinks i'm stupid, so this is a huge "fuck you." i can't wait until i'm back in new york and surrounded by people who are a little less idiotic. sorry this is so bitchy and grumpy, i just had to get it out. hilarity and all. i should probably go make some tea and not stress myself out about still getting an A in the class.