excerpts

so i'm completely losing it [AGAIN!] and i've been looking through my old journals...


12/6/06: if only life were easier. if only love was simpler. if only people were easier to understand... if only our minds weren't focused on ourselves. if only we knew that we are always on someone else's mind. if only we could hear the voice calling in the fog, the answer to our hopes... if only we could hear that the same voice could be our death, the consequence of our selfishness.

2/13/07: whenever i look into your eyes, time stops. the world doesn't spin. and those other voices don't matter - they're lost in the cacophony of life. but you, your soul, can be heard above...

"live like you're dying" is so cliche. hello, we're all always dying. so just live.

3/11/07: i've closed myself off from everything and everyone that i can't do anything properly. today, i had problems eating. in total, i only left my room for about an hour. i don't feel like i can even talk to my friends anymore. i'm torturing myself in a very unwholesome way. i feel like my psyche is destructing by the second. i'm depressed and i can't totally figure out why. school is terrible. all my relationships are failing - i'm pushing people away. yet all i want is love and happiness - to be loved and to love someone in a totally perfect way. i think the possibility, or realization, that that won't happen is why i'm in such a bad mood. i feel inferior to everyone. i feel unwanted and unnecessary. i almost feel like a kid again, not being able to completely think for myself. i'm avoiding people, and places that have a lot of people. my paranoia's getting worse and worse...

time is rushing onward, but i'm stuck in this one spot. my heart and my mind are deceiving me. i don't know what or who to trust. i don't understand anything anymore. why am i such a failure?

4/11/07: i don't even feel fit to be around other people. something is seriously wrong with me. i don't seem to be able to love properly. i've been by myself for too long, grown too selfish. i feel like i'm failing at what God intended us to do.

i try, and always fall short
i look, and see an empty room
my hearts longs for your touch
waiting, waiting for the time
when my walls will break down
alone, trapped in my selfishness
longing to love and be loved
looking to the cross, my only hope
save me, before i lose sanity
before my soul falls to pieces
before i forget the promise you made

who can i turn to?
my mouth becomes like a sealed envelope
tears stream from my eyes as my soul dies
words left unspoken, mind forever troubled
forever plagued by the things i cannot realize

will you let me weep, and carry this burden?
will my life mean nothing in the end?
the tracks i will leave may forever curse the path of those who tried to love me
when i had nothing else, i could claim your love
if only, if only i could delve into the depths of my soul
and find where the poison of self began

i try, but that doesn't seem enough

the voices tells me i'll never -
be like you
i'll never -
be loved the same
it tells me i can't love,
i can't be happy
but i try
i try with my everything
and i hope,
that someday it will change

i'm sorry for my silent presence,
my meaningless words...

8/28/07: i'm totally losing my sense of self, my personality, my happiness. i've basically given up on life... my thoughts don't matter. my words don't matter. my actions don't matter. nothing i do in life matters.
i know i'm messed up. shay just died. she's yound and i don't think she should have gone. how can i watch her lose her life and not appreciate mine? why do i long to leave this world, yet she went without a choice?

4/13/08: each day i'm feeling older and older. seeing all these kids on our campus [academy days and music fest] reminds me of the times when i visited here, thinking i was so cool... i can't believe i've been here for 4 years. what's even worse is that i can't believe that i won't be coming back here next fall.
a lot of high school seemed to pass in a blur. the things i once thought were important, really didn't even matter that much. as it's drawing to a close, i still don't think a lot of things matter.

4/21/08: i wish someone would say the things about me that need to be said.

5/26/08: i'm sort of bummed that i'm graduating when i've finally started enjoying high school. there's no way i'm ready to graduate. i'm still a kid.



i need to know i'm not alone.
i need to know that there's someone, anyone, out there...