i know no salvation

driving in my car with just the indiana windmills
and a pack of cigarettes
back where i was a few years ago
an emotional wreck
a lonely traveler
still looking for the one
who will fill my bed and
consume my heart
someone who wants just me
and the pieces
i carry
too weak a soul
for the demands of others
and i demand too much
it seems
because no one can
stay
safely away from my demons
in the momentary puff
i know no salvation
and i am learning
to ask for none

alright

some moments i feel
alright
better than
alright
i'm breathing
for the first time
today
it's true
i've taken too many breaths
already
but
this
new awakening
tastes like the past
but without the
bitterness
the tea of life
rests on my
tongue tied
and tossed around
by the demons in my
head
and i sigh
and i swirl
the energetic matter
to form words and
form bonds
and with that
inhaleexhale
elahxeelahni
i consume
all that is vital
nourished
i find myself
alright
i find myself

when

what do you do
when
all you want to do is
sip tea or coffee at a coffee shop
smoking cigarette
after cigarette
when
you try to eat
and it leaves a
bad taste in your soul
and you leave
the memory of it
in the toilet bowl
you watch the bits and pieces
of happiness
swirl and disappear
when
the phone remains silent
and the messages stop
and you can't muster
the courage
to reach out first
because sometimes
it's hard to see
an outstretched arm in fog
when
this fog
filters into your being
weighs you down
keeps you from
the movement you
so desperately need
and when
you feel that
no matter how loud
you scream
only
silence will answer

.

just hoping for the courage to
stop myself
from grabbing the blade
so shiny and
so cool so smooth
against
my skin
on
fire
consuming
my last desires
my only hopes
i have only this
and days of
emptiness
a bed of
isolation
and no one to
watch
the blood rise to the surface

this is life (right now)

sitting here with my
coffee breath and coffee body
tired from trying to make sense of
these things
trying to figure out
which way
i'm turned
so i'm facing the wall
so i don't have to see
the faces
some so distant
they're only a dream now
and some
too near
that
i cannot breathe
from quiet night hours
i fade to afternoon sun
alone i carry
this heavy mind
this raging heart
trapped in a dissatisfied
existence
clothes too tight,
the future too vague
i crumble every moment
when i realize
this is life

messy business, love

will someone come
to help me
pick up the pieces
multiplying every moment it seems
messy business, love

puzzle

i will always remember
the way your lips tasted like excitement
and when i close my eyes
i can see your tattoos shining in the morning light
i can feel the warmth of your soul
as you hug me
goodbye, hello, just because
and i'll never forget the way
our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together
two pieces
finally joined at last
i was beginning to think
i was misplaced
but now i'm wondering
if maybe
i have no place at all