feels like another breakdown

every day i think i hit rock bottom,
and then the next day is worse.
too much just becomes too much.
i breakdown.
i cry.
i give up on everything.
everything except him.
and though i have that,
i'm sinking all the same.

bare branches

an autumn sigh
leaves my lips
makes its way through the bare branches
and disperses into the blue above
i listen to a ray of sunshine tell me about her life
the years we've spent
walking these familiar streets
suddenly we are
relaxing in our favorite coffee shop
drinking our favorite drinks
and we're transported
back
to our old selves
old laughs
wise smiles
the comfort i'm drinking is no match for the
home
sitting across from me
the reassuring sparkle in her eye that says
everything is going to be okay
twin souls turned messy lives
can still rest in this transparent bubble
a protection against winter and uncertain futures and all the other things that are coming too fast, that sit looming above our heads
but it doesn't dampen
this november day
with the sun occasionally peaking through the clouds
and a welcome briskness tingling our weary limbs
i glance at the bare trees
and smile because i know
i am just like them
as cold and alone in this gray
feeling just as naked and forgotten in time
and
i too will wait
for my green leaves to return

9/6/12, journal

Trying to take a nap, and all these memories of New York are flooding my head... It's all so far in the past. I feel like a different person. Well, I am different. It just makes me feel sad, knowing I don't talk to those people anymore and I don't do some of those things anymore. I'm not there anymore. I don't feel free like I did back then. Sure, I was trapped in loneliness, but physically I knew I could do anything. The city has everything. And I think of things I would have done differently. Hung out with more people, partied more, gotten involved in the community, went for my dreams. I guess I could still go back someday and do that. But I couldn't see Stefan living in the city. Chicago was bad enough. Even though I was super unhappy freshman year, I had fun. Everything was new and exciting. Jr year I got to know the city a little more, though still not as much as I'd like. I paid more attention to the people... Living in New York is the (my?) ultimate adventure. It reinvented life for me. It changed me. But now I've reverted back to plain, suburban self. I'm not doing anything, because I feel I have nothing to prove. Oh, but there's still everything! I can live that way here and now, but for some reason I haven't been trying to. I've gone back to how I used to think. Or maybe this is an entirely new train of thought, way of being. I just need to care again. Care about my life, care about what happens, what I experience. Really experience each moment. Write things down, capture them on film. Those things used to make me. And now I barely have them. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. What's sad is that I could get it all back! If I just stop being lazy and stubborn. If I try to open my mind again, be creative in the ways I know how. Look at life through new eyes. Maybe that's what it was, everything was just so new. I took the city head on. Now I just sit by and idly watch. Watch as life happens without me.

i'm mainly putting this here as a reminder to myself.

life is beautiful

i read a book today, and it reminded me that life, despite all of its sadness and chaos, is beautiful. each day can feel like the worst day, but there's something that saves it all. it's there, it's always there, you just have to look for it. as i've been struggling with my depression again, i've gotten myself into a rut. even on days i wish i wasn't alive, i'm glad i am so i can cuddle with my boyfriend and see the expression on his face when he tells me he loves me, spend time with my mom, escape to wonderful places in my mind - dream about the tomorrow i've always wanted. it's hard work getting there, but i feel like i'm getting there all the same. sometimes i just have to take a breath and remind myself that i have a great life. that things could be much worse. that i have the ability to determine my future. that i can change the things that bother me. maybe not change them all, but at least change how i process and react to them. in quiet moments i tend to look back on things i've done wrong, things i wish i could travel back to the past for. it's surprising how often i feel like i made the wrong decision. but just as often i try to remember the good things that happen. the moments i wish would last a lifetime. the moments that feel like they have a world unto themselves. that the entire world is contained in those subtle, perfect moments. sometimes it seems like my universe is sitting just across from me, holding my hand and looking at me with those soft blue eyes. i was thinking earlier about how much i love stefan, and how it's such a comfort just to love someone and be loved back. i'm happy with him, and i never thought i'd be happy with anyone. we found each other at a perfect time. and it's because of him that i have so many warm memories to look back on. things to keep me going about my day. i feel like i have something to live for, and that may be the greatest thing of all. life has meaning. sure, i can't see it most of the time, but every now and then it can be found. like in a batch of his favorite cookies that i carefully iced, or the way his apartment has begun to feel like home. i guess i'm writing this all in the hope that everyone has someone to remind them that life is wonderful, even if just for a brief moment occasionally. a friend, a family member, a partner... he isn't my only reason for living, but he's a damn good one. i just can't imagine my life without him. in the same way i'd be lost without my mother and my closest friends. no, in a different way, but i think you know what i'm getting at. find something or someone. don't let it go. hold on to that happiness and let it carry you through the rough times. i've been spending the last several days doing just that. it's still a struggle, but i'm hoping i'll make it through and get to a better place. i want to live the life i know i'm capable of, the life i want to wake up to over and over again, the beautiful life.

rain, rain, keep me away

rainy tea-drinking getting lost in a tragic monday pulling the sheets over my head sighing into fog placing hope in the whispers of a brighter tomorrow when this day sits forgotten forgetting already the pain each moment brings waiting for this storm to change dissipate it will disappear when my demons are laid to rest writhing i remain in the shadows waiting with nausea overwhelming the light the future bears for everyone but me...