bonjour

i am currently on the 10th floor of nyu langone med center.
i had parfait and cheerios for breakfast today. i'm waiting to eat my banana until later.
i scanned through a book on dali just a bit ago.
i woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep. i spent the quiet hours meditating, doing some yoga and pilates, having a peaceful shower, drinking tea, writing in my journal, and reading a book i found on one of the shelves in the day room (common area/kitchen).
i need to charge my ipod, or see if i have any missed calls or texts (phone is charging in the office).
i am sucking on some nicorette gum. i want my cigarettes.
i have a lovely roommate who brought me some of my things last night; and a lovely new boy zachary who visited, played ping pong, and cuddled with me.
i don't know when i'm leaving, what the plan is, but i'm adjusting, and i'm okay for now.
i want to nap.
smiley face breakfast ending: tea wink, unbalanced smile.

oh shit

a friend texted me today and asked how i'm doing today.
i answered a mix between shitty and dead.
i texted someone else that i am falling apart.
she replied really? couldn't tell.
sarcasm.
racing taxis, filled tubs, deprived bodies, slit wrists, diseases,
this is all i'm thinking about today. forever.
i am falling apart.

i am dead inside

my body is sore from yoga
my heart feels empty, the place where he last laid his head
doesn't seem like it exists anymore
he kissed my forehead, wanted me to stay another night
i couldn't fall asleep and then i slept too late
my therapist told me to start carrying my camera again
like a pack of cigarettes
replace death with eternity
it doesn't seem to be working, all my cameras grow dust
ash blows in the wind
the sun shines on my tired mind
i don't know what school is anymore
i only feel home in his earth-sculpted arms
different voices talk me to sleep
and i wake up always as lonely
books and words and oatmeal cookies
4am subway platforms
in treatment

blueberry scone and a nap through class

my body is tired from too much life i think
anxious tapping body talking in arm chair
listening eyes and ears for the confession
listening but i'm quiet and tap tap tapping
stomach trained for beer, bacon, cum
nothing but a shadow of the eternities of
fuck swirling in pools of sidewalk slush
leather on concrete skin on skin lip on shoulder
death on bone sheet upon sheet of bleary dream
sequence, a steady heart motion hip movement
hand grabbing cigarette crushing
ceasing seizing ginger and grief
and staring bathroom walls
squared towels
unfinished plates of food and land
shifting constant
tomorrow isn't certain
and yesterday chloe felt like my best friend
feline companion from my past life
this, endless,
void
echoing he he he he
hello afternoon
supermarket fairytale
tell me how tomorrow goes

2/5/11

all afternoon in bed is a nice hangover cure.