moonchild

i lay staring at the ceiling, paralyzed by my own mind
the thought that this is my life
this is what i've accomplished
this is what i have to show for it after all these years
immobile
not just on the floor, but everywhere
my voice squeaks and eventually disappears
my heart doesn't know what warmth is anymore
my pills transform me into a zombie
i wonder, is this what i thought i was living for?
to die every day without a slither of hope
to feel like everything i do is futile
that i'm unable to function not just as a person
but as a person i dreamed to be
i tell myself i can't reach my goals
i begin to set my goals lower
i work jobs that only remind me of the better things i'm not doing
i crumble under the weight of a life unfulfilled
i find myself laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling instead of doing something
i feel lost
i don't know who i am or where to go
some days are worse than others, but there is always the overwhelming sadness that i can't seem to escape
wondering where i can escape to
nowhere
and wondering what will become of me
while i wait for the answer i watch the future pass me by
life is over before it's begun

9/27/12, journal

the world rocks me forward, and i push back
a constant struggle, a pleasant reminder that we are both still here and more alive than ever
burning in fact
amidst a world static and bare
lifeless
fiery loins only extinguished in ultimate climax
gnawing resistance, a bite and a moan
pleasure reaching to the far ends of the body
electrifying my extremities
thrusting and
my heart pounding as hard as his body pushes against mine
the rhythm, the ecstasy in every movement
like the pleasure in watching the tide come in and go out
reassurance that we're still vital in the cycle of life
vital to each other
this vital to our existence
an exchange
of roles, of fluids, of silent speech
warm whispers comforting breaths
as we breathe life into one another
tongues hands...
life
take me how you want me
move me how you want me
i surrender to the elements
feel you beneath me, fresh earth
crumbling at my touch