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my beer warms and i wonder where you are today
how you carry around the baggage of sweet skin and careless pain
smoke can't fix everything
though we try and try and
collapse under the weight of winter...

hi new

it's a new year
so i guess it's time for a new post
although i
feel like i have nothing to
say
i'm becoming boring
and it's sort of
okay
routine is boring
i want to fight routine
i want to fight my job
and all the time i
don't get
to spend
with my boyfriend or
friends or
rediscovering my passions or
or
or
or

it's a new year but not much has
changed
nothing ever
changes
much

even the seasons
blend into one

spring in winter

i want something new
but i don't know what it is
yet

not the year
but something else

i want something new

closed

i wish i knew how to let myself be open again.

thanks & giving

oh no. haven't updated or written on here in about a month.
sigh.
who's reading anyway?
it's been a busy time, strangely.
losing jobs, looking for jobs, holidays, leaves changing, weather changing - always.
i fall in love every day
and every night i lie down to mystery.
i'm content, i'm confused, i'm excited,
everything's jumbled up in my head
and i think i'm happy with it.
i'm watching a documentary about a new york fashion photographer.
my biggest decision at this moment is what color i'm going to paint my nails next.
i'm missing my boyfriend's touch.
i'm full from spinach alfredo pizza.
these things won't matter tomorrow.
or maybe they will, who knows.
soon it will be december and winter.
i don't know if i'm ready.
well, of course i'm ready.
i know deep down i can't live in the past.
i've been living there too long.
maybe i'll look ahead with... enthusiasm? without fear?
i'm full of shit, but tomorrow will still come.
and i'll be here to soak in the light through windows, through cracks, through chill air, through snowflakes... reflected in lovers' eyes, absorbed directly in tangled hair.
i'll sleep soundly in the gentle flow of life.

pumpkin donuts

it's been a while
it's almost [it is] november and i can't believe it
where have all my seasons gone?
my inspiration's lying somewhere in golden leaves...
time is playing tricks on me and all the other confused souls
where to go, what to do, who to be
when to let go and when to keep close
hold tightly
snuggle into new flannel sheets
and wait for winter
holidays approach
and i'm not ready to let more time go
lightly between my fingers, slip and fall into place
and we let things change
because that's the only way
to live
a forever goodbye
forever awkward greeting
after awkward greeting
a whisper to soothe
i'm here, you'll be okay,
you'll fall in love with me and never want me to leave
whispers are lovely sometimes
like a lover's lips grazing an ear
or a whisper felt in a look of longing
sandwiched between two bodies
stopped by a finger pressed against lip
shhh shhh i'm here, it's all okay
i'm listening and waiting
meanwhile...

this is ridiculous and i don't want to finish it.

hello lonely one
it's me
i saw you yesterday with gummy bears
and a crazy will to live and lounge
in beds we made with
lanky limbs to cover our mistake
of falling in love falling in pillow
soft reckless energy
spinning down down
down carried into clouds
dropped into waffle house and tv shows
into a vacuum of space
where time is just a dream
an afterthought we miss
look at me look the other way look
at our shaking souls
shivering before winter
and times unspeakable
silent vows to
dead weighted air
a promise to tomorrow
we can't keep
but we'll try and fail and forget
the invisible shields
carry me again forever
to couch to cigarette to hungry passion to home
in piles of autumn leaves pumpkin pudding cakes sleeping in and inhaling the world

september

came and went so quickly.
does it feel that way to anyone else?