thanks & giving

oh no. haven't updated or written on here in about a month.
sigh.
who's reading anyway?
it's been a busy time, strangely.
losing jobs, looking for jobs, holidays, leaves changing, weather changing - always.
i fall in love every day
and every night i lie down to mystery.
i'm content, i'm confused, i'm excited,
everything's jumbled up in my head
and i think i'm happy with it.
i'm watching a documentary about a new york fashion photographer.
my biggest decision at this moment is what color i'm going to paint my nails next.
i'm missing my boyfriend's touch.
i'm full from spinach alfredo pizza.
these things won't matter tomorrow.
or maybe they will, who knows.
soon it will be december and winter.
i don't know if i'm ready.
well, of course i'm ready.
i know deep down i can't live in the past.
i've been living there too long.
maybe i'll look ahead with... enthusiasm? without fear?
i'm full of shit, but tomorrow will still come.
and i'll be here to soak in the light through windows, through cracks, through chill air, through snowflakes... reflected in lovers' eyes, absorbed directly in tangled hair.
i'll sleep soundly in the gentle flow of life.

pumpkin donuts

it's been a while
it's almost [it is] november and i can't believe it
where have all my seasons gone?
my inspiration's lying somewhere in golden leaves...
time is playing tricks on me and all the other confused souls
where to go, what to do, who to be
when to let go and when to keep close
hold tightly
snuggle into new flannel sheets
and wait for winter
holidays approach
and i'm not ready to let more time go
lightly between my fingers, slip and fall into place
and we let things change
because that's the only way
to live
a forever goodbye
forever awkward greeting
after awkward greeting
a whisper to soothe
i'm here, you'll be okay,
you'll fall in love with me and never want me to leave
whispers are lovely sometimes
like a lover's lips grazing an ear
or a whisper felt in a look of longing
sandwiched between two bodies
stopped by a finger pressed against lip
shhh shhh i'm here, it's all okay
i'm listening and waiting
meanwhile...

this is ridiculous and i don't want to finish it.

hello lonely one
it's me
i saw you yesterday with gummy bears
and a crazy will to live and lounge
in beds we made with
lanky limbs to cover our mistake
of falling in love falling in pillow
soft reckless energy
spinning down down
down carried into clouds
dropped into waffle house and tv shows
into a vacuum of space
where time is just a dream
an afterthought we miss
look at me look the other way look
at our shaking souls
shivering before winter
and times unspeakable
silent vows to
dead weighted air
a promise to tomorrow
we can't keep
but we'll try and fail and forget
the invisible shields
carry me again forever
to couch to cigarette to hungry passion to home
in piles of autumn leaves pumpkin pudding cakes sleeping in and inhaling the world

september

came and went so quickly.
does it feel that way to anyone else?

"i missed you."

there we were
face to face again
his blue reflecting my brown
and he uttered
the most important sentence
of my life
or at least
the evening
post-orgasm post-loneliness post-
pillow soft dancing fingers
eyelectricity
circuited
down
down
to magnetic mouths
charged friction
they burst into flames
and sent our bodies to
another universe, truth
waves sent the message
in a touch a caress on face
hidden in semi-
dark glinting
new noises for new existence
simple words that are said too often and
not said enough
i bathed in the sounds and
let them transport me
into the openings of heart, his
i was again we
sank into sleepy slumber
and the words hung in the air
suspended our souls on display
mechanical magic hidden beneath blanket
stretches for reassurance
testing the limits of loneliness
making sure the bonds were broken
we're no longer trapped, said the limbs,
we can piece ourselves together again into the
shabby puzzle we started with
said the limbs...
but enough of that
bodies tell better stories than me
so simple, really
who needs anything more than
those three honest words

life

funny how it can suck, yet be completely harmonious. i won't say things are falling into place, but they're falling somewhere.

a wandering thing

i drive and drive and still can't see the road
a focus only inches from blind eyes
the world sinks to blur
and it takes my heart with it
babble to remind me that
i can't speak
and the voices echo echo echo that
i'm not alright
bus to train to feet to train to bus
and i'm not alright...

unfinished