"i missed you."

there we were
face to face again
his blue reflecting my brown
and he uttered
the most important sentence
of my life
or at least
the evening
post-orgasm post-loneliness post-
pillow soft dancing fingers
eyelectricity
circuited
down
down
to magnetic mouths
charged friction
they burst into flames
and sent our bodies to
another universe, truth
waves sent the message
in a touch a caress on face
hidden in semi-
dark glinting
new noises for new existence
simple words that are said too often and
not said enough
i bathed in the sounds and
let them transport me
into the openings of heart, his
i was again we
sank into sleepy slumber
and the words hung in the air
suspended our souls on display
mechanical magic hidden beneath blanket
stretches for reassurance
testing the limits of loneliness
making sure the bonds were broken
we're no longer trapped, said the limbs,
we can piece ourselves together again into the
shabby puzzle we started with
said the limbs...
but enough of that
bodies tell better stories than me
so simple, really
who needs anything more than
those three honest words

life

funny how it can suck, yet be completely harmonious. i won't say things are falling into place, but they're falling somewhere.

a wandering thing

i drive and drive and still can't see the road
a focus only inches from blind eyes
the world sinks to blur
and it takes my heart with it
babble to remind me that
i can't speak
and the voices echo echo echo that
i'm not alright
bus to train to feet to train to bus
and i'm not alright...

unfinished

sigh.

i'm back to being very, very worried about myself.
sigh.
i didn't mean for this blog to become a whiny mope fest, but i'm at a really strange place right now.
i just need to go out and do it...
do something
do everything.
why do i always torture myself?
what am i afraid of?
will i ever be functional again?
bleh...
noon edit: i'm too hard on myself. things aren't hopeless. i'm not hopeless. i'm just grumpy in the morning sometimes.

another saturday

and i'm feeling better.
probably because my birthday is on monday
and i'll be 21.
i feel old
but at the same time
this feels like an
opportunity
to really
grow
challenge myself
and
get my life back in motion.
my birthday gifts to myself were
moleskine notebooks and film.
hopefully i'll use them well
and begin to feel like
myself
again.

saturday morning ramblings

8am saturday morning lemon tea
i didn't sleep well
and i don't know if it's because i miss him
or i miss me

i cried last night reading my book
because i kept reliving similar moments we shared
how we met, how we acted, conversations we had, the uncertainty
each page left me more and more nostalgic
for what, i'm not sure

lounging around the apartment in nothing but comfort
trapping ourselves in a cage of limbs, or cigarettes, or cups of tea
shooing away the world in 5am smoke, darkness and quiet belonging to us
and us only
holding hands just to make sure we're still there, he's still there, still mine
avoiding serious questions, fragile
balancing a glass vase of emotions, fears, doubts, plans
and watching it gracefully fall
examining the shattered pieces, wondering if it will ever be the same
wondering if it'll ever be the same, if we can just glue it back together
and resigning to the purchase of a new vase, smaller but it still holds everything we need
still holds the same amount of love, stem by stem, each flower plucked when ready

9am and i'm not making sense
of these feelings and thoughts
never wanting to let go or leave the house
stagnant
waiting in vain for things to move themselves
reality
facing it to balance our lives, to welcome the future, to understand the ease with which we can protect vases and the truth that there will be other vases, infinite vases that may break or stay intact
and understanding that a book is a book, my life is not a book

i'm getting tired of vases
and i'm tired of the bland day to day motions of life i endure
i'm tired of sleeping alone
and waking up
alone
of feeling constantly alone even when i'm not

[i miss being alive.]

i am lonely.
i am falling apart.
i am dull
aging blade.
i am forgetting how to speak, walk, live
wake up.