mirror of erised

what do you think you'd see
if you looked into the mirror of erised?

tea, writing, coffee, thrifting, eating...
trying to sort things out,
trying to look ahead

overpacking for the hospital

instead of saying goodbye
to the world
i try to say goodbye
to my things
for a while
and i find
it's easier to do than i thought.
sitting in a room with nothing but a bed, a desk, my thoughts and my memories
i learn that those may be
all i need
to make it to the next day.
gathering things together becomes less important than
gathering sanity,
all the sanity
i had been saving for a rainy day.
all the sanity
buried within me
with the courage and strength
and all the other treasures
i thought were lost.
i put my life in nurses' and doctors' hands
and i realize they are not the ones
who will save me.
i may have overpacked for the hospital,
but when i left my stuff in the trunk of my car
i knew
i already had everything i needed.

healing

it's nice to feel the sting again, the soreness...
it's nice to have new artwork.
but sadly, though i once welcomed this feeling of aliveness, right now i find myself upset that i am even breathing, upset that i'm able to experience this.
because it means i still have to experience all the rest of life. the shitty mess that is life.
i appreciate having at least one thing to focus on that doesn't suck, but this hurting seems to just reflect all the other areas of my life that are hurting.
i have a high tolerance for pain... but how much emotional and psychological pain can a person handle before it becomes too much? every day it seems there are new things to depress me. and it all just adds up.
but like always, i will just try to take it one day at a time, and hope for better tomorrows.

when i'm dead people will wish they had appreciated me more when i was alive.

11/6/13

the best thing about a new day
is that it's a new day
and anything can happen.
i woke up this morning around 3 from strange dreams
and then had more strange/sad dreams until i went to work at 8.
i didn't want to leave my bed
but i'm glad i did
because the day was okay.
i got to be distracted.
i cried during my lunch break
but that's okay
because they were productive tears
and things are alright again
(for the moment)
and i felt better.
when i left work i was greeted by rain. and then i came home and relaxed with a cup of tea and some pizza.
my life and my mood have so many ups and downs,
so i really appreciate moments like this when i just
exist
and i'm not feeling too much or too little.
i just am.
and it feels good.

rough day, rough life, at least there's pizza

do you ever just get tired of being yourself
you feel so useless
a waste of a person
saying the worst things
feeling the worst things
feeling so low that you don't know how you're going to pick yourself up again
wondering how you're going to put the mask on when you face the world again
and though at times it felt like you were proven wrong, you remember that
it is you after all. you are what's wrong with the world.