9/6/12, journal

Trying to take a nap, and all these memories of New York are flooding my head... It's all so far in the past. I feel like a different person. Well, I am different. It just makes me feel sad, knowing I don't talk to those people anymore and I don't do some of those things anymore. I'm not there anymore. I don't feel free like I did back then. Sure, I was trapped in loneliness, but physically I knew I could do anything. The city has everything. And I think of things I would have done differently. Hung out with more people, partied more, gotten involved in the community, went for my dreams. I guess I could still go back someday and do that. But I couldn't see Stefan living in the city. Chicago was bad enough. Even though I was super unhappy freshman year, I had fun. Everything was new and exciting. Jr year I got to know the city a little more, though still not as much as I'd like. I paid more attention to the people... Living in New York is the (my?) ultimate adventure. It reinvented life for me. It changed me. But now I've reverted back to plain, suburban self. I'm not doing anything, because I feel I have nothing to prove. Oh, but there's still everything! I can live that way here and now, but for some reason I haven't been trying to. I've gone back to how I used to think. Or maybe this is an entirely new train of thought, way of being. I just need to care again. Care about my life, care about what happens, what I experience. Really experience each moment. Write things down, capture them on film. Those things used to make me. And now I barely have them. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. What's sad is that I could get it all back! If I just stop being lazy and stubborn. If I try to open my mind again, be creative in the ways I know how. Look at life through new eyes. Maybe that's what it was, everything was just so new. I took the city head on. Now I just sit by and idly watch. Watch as life happens without me.

i'm mainly putting this here as a reminder to myself.

life is beautiful

i read a book today, and it reminded me that life, despite all of its sadness and chaos, is beautiful. each day can feel like the worst day, but there's something that saves it all. it's there, it's always there, you just have to look for it. as i've been struggling with my depression again, i've gotten myself into a rut. even on days i wish i wasn't alive, i'm glad i am so i can cuddle with my boyfriend and see the expression on his face when he tells me he loves me, spend time with my mom, escape to wonderful places in my mind - dream about the tomorrow i've always wanted. it's hard work getting there, but i feel like i'm getting there all the same. sometimes i just have to take a breath and remind myself that i have a great life. that things could be much worse. that i have the ability to determine my future. that i can change the things that bother me. maybe not change them all, but at least change how i process and react to them. in quiet moments i tend to look back on things i've done wrong, things i wish i could travel back to the past for. it's surprising how often i feel like i made the wrong decision. but just as often i try to remember the good things that happen. the moments i wish would last a lifetime. the moments that feel like they have a world unto themselves. that the entire world is contained in those subtle, perfect moments. sometimes it seems like my universe is sitting just across from me, holding my hand and looking at me with those soft blue eyes. i was thinking earlier about how much i love stefan, and how it's such a comfort just to love someone and be loved back. i'm happy with him, and i never thought i'd be happy with anyone. we found each other at a perfect time. and it's because of him that i have so many warm memories to look back on. things to keep me going about my day. i feel like i have something to live for, and that may be the greatest thing of all. life has meaning. sure, i can't see it most of the time, but every now and then it can be found. like in a batch of his favorite cookies that i carefully iced, or the way his apartment has begun to feel like home. i guess i'm writing this all in the hope that everyone has someone to remind them that life is wonderful, even if just for a brief moment occasionally. a friend, a family member, a partner... he isn't my only reason for living, but he's a damn good one. i just can't imagine my life without him. in the same way i'd be lost without my mother and my closest friends. no, in a different way, but i think you know what i'm getting at. find something or someone. don't let it go. hold on to that happiness and let it carry you through the rough times. i've been spending the last several days doing just that. it's still a struggle, but i'm hoping i'll make it through and get to a better place. i want to live the life i know i'm capable of, the life i want to wake up to over and over again, the beautiful life.

rain, rain, keep me away

rainy tea-drinking getting lost in a tragic monday pulling the sheets over my head sighing into fog placing hope in the whispers of a brighter tomorrow when this day sits forgotten forgetting already the pain each moment brings waiting for this storm to change dissipate it will disappear when my demons are laid to rest writhing i remain in the shadows waiting with nausea overwhelming the light the future bears for everyone but me...

moonchild

i lay staring at the ceiling, paralyzed by my own mind
the thought that this is my life
this is what i've accomplished
this is what i have to show for it after all these years
immobile
not just on the floor, but everywhere
my voice squeaks and eventually disappears
my heart doesn't know what warmth is anymore
my pills transform me into a zombie
i wonder, is this what i thought i was living for?
to die every day without a slither of hope
to feel like everything i do is futile
that i'm unable to function not just as a person
but as a person i dreamed to be
i tell myself i can't reach my goals
i begin to set my goals lower
i work jobs that only remind me of the better things i'm not doing
i crumble under the weight of a life unfulfilled
i find myself laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling instead of doing something
i feel lost
i don't know who i am or where to go
some days are worse than others, but there is always the overwhelming sadness that i can't seem to escape
wondering where i can escape to
nowhere
and wondering what will become of me
while i wait for the answer i watch the future pass me by
life is over before it's begun

9/27/12, journal

the world rocks me forward, and i push back
a constant struggle, a pleasant reminder that we are both still here and more alive than ever
burning in fact
amidst a world static and bare
lifeless
fiery loins only extinguished in ultimate climax
gnawing resistance, a bite and a moan
pleasure reaching to the far ends of the body
electrifying my extremities
thrusting and
my heart pounding as hard as his body pushes against mine
the rhythm, the ecstasy in every movement
like the pleasure in watching the tide come in and go out
reassurance that we're still vital in the cycle of life
vital to each other
this vital to our existence
an exchange
of roles, of fluids, of silent speech
warm whispers comforting breaths
as we breathe life into one another
tongues hands...
life
take me how you want me
move me how you want me
i surrender to the elements
feel you beneath me, fresh earth
crumbling at my touch

melting, pieces

watch as i melt before you, dripping and thin, ruining your carpet
maintained and vacuumed and ready to battle life's hardships
prepared and able to make a nice home
but everything i touch begins to melt
just as i did when the gods made their decision
trapped in a cage of my own making
alone because i would have it no other way
except
something, some part of my liquid being, this mess, something - a tiny hand makes its way from the center of my chest to the open world
in search of a similar being
maybe not similar, but indestructible
in the same ways
desperate
fearful
confused
in the same ways
and i search the atmosphere for a kinder world
a world that can accommodate all of my flaws and childish tendencies
a place for sadness, loneliness, a place familiar
and the worlds in the universe crash upon my every hope and dream
my paper thin soul is crushed against the waves
and i pray the red sea will save me
i've been floating long enough, my fluid blending blending
i emerge dripping, dyed, a crimson cape of lies rests upon my shoulders
i pull the hood over my eyes
try to walk as i once did, in my old body
but the sea never leaves, and i drown into the earth
consumed by the harsh architecture of a sleeping mind
my heart beats and quakes the earth that wouldn't accept me
wait for my body to return to me
with my remains claw the ground and feel dirt beneath my fingertips
in my rest search the ends of the world for a minute salvation
a restoration momentary enough to fill my existence with shining brilliant specks of truth and truth alone,
of the answers to my riddle of a life
solve the puzzle short of pieces
pieces, lost, forgotten, hidden, they're everywhere
all homeless
all stranded like the souls who walk the streets at night,
asking the same questions of the world
those who laugh in a group but hide their somber reality
alone but surrounded by the greatest marvels
the universe is meant to be explored
but now and then a poor soul will
fall into an ocean, and gasping, can't find their way to the surface
get an incurable disease
get in an accident on the road
and the universe is cruel enough to let it all happen,
it captures the weak souls,
preys on their delusions
feeds us lies
and makes us hope for things that will never happen
fluid mess in the mirror, will the melting stop

i can reach out my hand and feel it
brush the leaves against my fingers
bury my face
in the warm tones
stretch out my arms
and let myself
fall