9/27/12, journal

the world rocks me forward, and i push back
a constant struggle, a pleasant reminder that we are both still here and more alive than ever
burning in fact
amidst a world static and bare
lifeless
fiery loins only extinguished in ultimate climax
gnawing resistance, a bite and a moan
pleasure reaching to the far ends of the body
electrifying my extremities
thrusting and
my heart pounding as hard as his body pushes against mine
the rhythm, the ecstasy in every movement
like the pleasure in watching the tide come in and go out
reassurance that we're still vital in the cycle of life
vital to each other
this vital to our existence
an exchange
of roles, of fluids, of silent speech
warm whispers comforting breaths
as we breathe life into one another
tongues hands...
life
take me how you want me
move me how you want me
i surrender to the elements
feel you beneath me, fresh earth
crumbling at my touch

melting, pieces

watch as i melt before you, dripping and thin, ruining your carpet
maintained and vacuumed and ready to battle life's hardships
prepared and able to make a nice home
but everything i touch begins to melt
just as i did when the gods made their decision
trapped in a cage of my own making
alone because i would have it no other way
except
something, some part of my liquid being, this mess, something - a tiny hand makes its way from the center of my chest to the open world
in search of a similar being
maybe not similar, but indestructible
in the same ways
desperate
fearful
confused
in the same ways
and i search the atmosphere for a kinder world
a world that can accommodate all of my flaws and childish tendencies
a place for sadness, loneliness, a place familiar
and the worlds in the universe crash upon my every hope and dream
my paper thin soul is crushed against the waves
and i pray the red sea will save me
i've been floating long enough, my fluid blending blending
i emerge dripping, dyed, a crimson cape of lies rests upon my shoulders
i pull the hood over my eyes
try to walk as i once did, in my old body
but the sea never leaves, and i drown into the earth
consumed by the harsh architecture of a sleeping mind
my heart beats and quakes the earth that wouldn't accept me
wait for my body to return to me
with my remains claw the ground and feel dirt beneath my fingertips
in my rest search the ends of the world for a minute salvation
a restoration momentary enough to fill my existence with shining brilliant specks of truth and truth alone,
of the answers to my riddle of a life
solve the puzzle short of pieces
pieces, lost, forgotten, hidden, they're everywhere
all homeless
all stranded like the souls who walk the streets at night,
asking the same questions of the world
those who laugh in a group but hide their somber reality
alone but surrounded by the greatest marvels
the universe is meant to be explored
but now and then a poor soul will
fall into an ocean, and gasping, can't find their way to the surface
get an incurable disease
get in an accident on the road
and the universe is cruel enough to let it all happen,
it captures the weak souls,
preys on their delusions
feeds us lies
and makes us hope for things that will never happen
fluid mess in the mirror, will the melting stop

i can reach out my hand and feel it
brush the leaves against my fingers
bury my face
in the warm tones
stretch out my arms
and let myself
fall

"jamaican me happy"

jamaican me happy
the bottle read
followed by my invisible nod and glance in your direction
happy,
a new dress
an empty notebook waiting to be filled with occasional brilliance
deep stares, revealing desire
i feel sexiest in an old shirt that once belonged to my mother
enormous, unflattering, but slightly sheer enough
so you can see my leopard print bra
a radiant sunset
my limbs twisted with yours
the day waiting to be spent
i linger in these moments, content
i want nothing more of the world than a cup of tea, a warm blanket, a sleeping lover
playing our favorite game
domestication
as a kid i called it house
i could have never imagined i'd be here
with you
with this life
trying to sew and bake things and make things tidy
being content at 22 to retire and settle down
make plans with someone
depend on someone
but it all makes me feel
the changing seasons
temperatures rising and falling as often as my mood
but when on the rise,
i see the world clearly
peek at my jewelry
take a pill every now and then
sleep through the night
and wake up to find i'm not alone

soundly by your side

swimming in black sheets silky as your thin hair
i caress them, wanting forever in every molecule
wearing your underwear because you said they look cute on me
i watch you fall sleep and contentment overwhelms me
you're mine
growing old with you while we're still young
spending sunday afternoon cleaning and scrubbing, the music radiating through the apartment
quiet friday nights on the couch, glasses of ovaltine
thoughts of our future together swarm my mind
fill it with a warmth i never thought possible...
talk of paint choices and pets and making space for my stuff, making plans
soon things will be ours
and we'll cradle them,
protect the essence of simple life
present in every soft embrace, every airy kiss,
in all the car rides, and even in our silent moments
it pervades the touchiest of subjects, the wonderful coincidences, the tragic accidents, erases every false emotion
and allows me here in this bed to taste the fruits of happiness
sleep soundly by your side

dead or something

i wonder why i do the same things over and over, why i continually make bad decisions. i look at the sad routine of my life and wonder how i can escape...
i am diminishing,
that's all that's really happening.
some part of me is dying, has died.
i want to wake up, but how can you from such a deep sleep?
i can't find the poetry in life. the little pieces of inspiration that used to float here and there, they've fallen on the ground. disappeared in the dust of existence.
maybe this whole time i'm just being too dramatic. maybe i'm just being too lazy. that could be the problem. i don't know how to work hard on anything anymore.
i look at what i've done in the past and i'm terrified i'll never be there again.
i've fallen into a lifestyle that makes me feel shameful. what am i contributing? how am i working towards happiness?
i think a part of me just wants to go back to school. have people tell me what to do. have things to read and write. have deadlines. forget about the future for a bit longer. work towards a future that feels like it'll never come. be surrounded, thrown into social situations. be forced to find inspiration.
i just don't know who i am anymore, what i'm becoming.
i just have to keep trying.

slump

i used to actually have things to share, to whoever even reads this. it's mostly for me really. but even lately i can't bring myself to empty my mind and let inspiration hit. honestly, i don't know what's been wrong with me lately. i was happy, or at least i thought i was happy. i've found a person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. i was in a balanced state. but lately i've felt it tipping to somewhere i'm afraid to think about. i don't know what it is that has made me stop enjoying life... but then i pause and realize that i haven't really been enjoying life for a while. my passions are gone. my dreams have disappeared. in many ways i don't even know who i am anymore. luckily stefan has been a sort of anchor and has kept me from going completely insane. but still. something's missing, like i've said many times before. i'm a broken record, sorry. lately i've felt the pull of a sadness i'd never felt before. i'm content but so restless at the same time. i frustrate myself daily. i barely recognize myself from the me a year ago, years ago. it hurts because right when i left new york i was becoming the person i wanted to become. the first few months back home were pleasant... and then i began to sink into familiar territory. the isolation, the depression, the dwindling sense of hope. and i'm realizing that it's only increased as time went on. i'm confused about how i got to this point. i'm confused about how i could ever bring myself out of this slump. is there any hope? i really don't know anymore. the aching has become more frequent, the despair more intense. every day i hate who i am. i want to get out of this. i want it all to stop. i want happiness. i want confidence. i want life. will it ever be mine again? it doesn't seem like it. i don't know which direction to go. i don't know where i can go. i'm lost. again. it's familiar, but much more sad to watch. i don't even have my writing, my books, my silly creations, my cameras, the things that were once so close to my heart. i'm indifferent now. it's so sad to realize that. because i want to enjoy the things i used to love. i want to care about things. but i battle myself every day, and it becomes harder and harder to leave bed. and i don't know how i can feel this way when, in a way, i'm the happiest i've ever been. is that wrong? our relationship is the only shining piece of redemption in our lives. both of us cling to the hope that at least one thing in our lives isn't royally fucked up. together we can fight the world. but anyway, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm trying to navigate myself towards happiness. and i've only come up with looking for a new job. there's that at least. but everything else? it's proved challenging. for some reason i can't simply sit down and write. i can't carry a camera. i can't do anything besides feel useless. i feel like a shadow of a person. do i even exist anymore? what will bring me back to life? how can i do it? maybe i need to give my old therapist a call.