"jamaican me happy"

jamaican me happy
the bottle read
followed by my invisible nod and glance in your direction
happy,
a new dress
an empty notebook waiting to be filled with occasional brilliance
deep stares, revealing desire
i feel sexiest in an old shirt that once belonged to my mother
enormous, unflattering, but slightly sheer enough
so you can see my leopard print bra
a radiant sunset
my limbs twisted with yours
the day waiting to be spent
i linger in these moments, content
i want nothing more of the world than a cup of tea, a warm blanket, a sleeping lover
playing our favorite game
domestication
as a kid i called it house
i could have never imagined i'd be here
with you
with this life
trying to sew and bake things and make things tidy
being content at 22 to retire and settle down
make plans with someone
depend on someone
but it all makes me feel
the changing seasons
temperatures rising and falling as often as my mood
but when on the rise,
i see the world clearly
peek at my jewelry
take a pill every now and then
sleep through the night
and wake up to find i'm not alone

soundly by your side

swimming in black sheets silky as your thin hair
i caress them, wanting forever in every molecule
wearing your underwear because you said they look cute on me
i watch you fall sleep and contentment overwhelms me
you're mine
growing old with you while we're still young
spending sunday afternoon cleaning and scrubbing, the music radiating through the apartment
quiet friday nights on the couch, glasses of ovaltine
thoughts of our future together swarm my mind
fill it with a warmth i never thought possible...
talk of paint choices and pets and making space for my stuff, making plans
soon things will be ours
and we'll cradle them,
protect the essence of simple life
present in every soft embrace, every airy kiss,
in all the car rides, and even in our silent moments
it pervades the touchiest of subjects, the wonderful coincidences, the tragic accidents, erases every false emotion
and allows me here in this bed to taste the fruits of happiness
sleep soundly by your side

dead or something

i wonder why i do the same things over and over, why i continually make bad decisions. i look at the sad routine of my life and wonder how i can escape...
i am diminishing,
that's all that's really happening.
some part of me is dying, has died.
i want to wake up, but how can you from such a deep sleep?
i can't find the poetry in life. the little pieces of inspiration that used to float here and there, they've fallen on the ground. disappeared in the dust of existence.
maybe this whole time i'm just being too dramatic. maybe i'm just being too lazy. that could be the problem. i don't know how to work hard on anything anymore.
i look at what i've done in the past and i'm terrified i'll never be there again.
i've fallen into a lifestyle that makes me feel shameful. what am i contributing? how am i working towards happiness?
i think a part of me just wants to go back to school. have people tell me what to do. have things to read and write. have deadlines. forget about the future for a bit longer. work towards a future that feels like it'll never come. be surrounded, thrown into social situations. be forced to find inspiration.
i just don't know who i am anymore, what i'm becoming.
i just have to keep trying.

slump

i used to actually have things to share, to whoever even reads this. it's mostly for me really. but even lately i can't bring myself to empty my mind and let inspiration hit. honestly, i don't know what's been wrong with me lately. i was happy, or at least i thought i was happy. i've found a person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. i was in a balanced state. but lately i've felt it tipping to somewhere i'm afraid to think about. i don't know what it is that has made me stop enjoying life... but then i pause and realize that i haven't really been enjoying life for a while. my passions are gone. my dreams have disappeared. in many ways i don't even know who i am anymore. luckily stefan has been a sort of anchor and has kept me from going completely insane. but still. something's missing, like i've said many times before. i'm a broken record, sorry. lately i've felt the pull of a sadness i'd never felt before. i'm content but so restless at the same time. i frustrate myself daily. i barely recognize myself from the me a year ago, years ago. it hurts because right when i left new york i was becoming the person i wanted to become. the first few months back home were pleasant... and then i began to sink into familiar territory. the isolation, the depression, the dwindling sense of hope. and i'm realizing that it's only increased as time went on. i'm confused about how i got to this point. i'm confused about how i could ever bring myself out of this slump. is there any hope? i really don't know anymore. the aching has become more frequent, the despair more intense. every day i hate who i am. i want to get out of this. i want it all to stop. i want happiness. i want confidence. i want life. will it ever be mine again? it doesn't seem like it. i don't know which direction to go. i don't know where i can go. i'm lost. again. it's familiar, but much more sad to watch. i don't even have my writing, my books, my silly creations, my cameras, the things that were once so close to my heart. i'm indifferent now. it's so sad to realize that. because i want to enjoy the things i used to love. i want to care about things. but i battle myself every day, and it becomes harder and harder to leave bed. and i don't know how i can feel this way when, in a way, i'm the happiest i've ever been. is that wrong? our relationship is the only shining piece of redemption in our lives. both of us cling to the hope that at least one thing in our lives isn't royally fucked up. together we can fight the world. but anyway, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm trying to navigate myself towards happiness. and i've only come up with looking for a new job. there's that at least. but everything else? it's proved challenging. for some reason i can't simply sit down and write. i can't carry a camera. i can't do anything besides feel useless. i feel like a shadow of a person. do i even exist anymore? what will bring me back to life? how can i do it? maybe i need to give my old therapist a call.

we need your help.

in an epic kitchen incident in april my boyfriend cut his thumb and had to have surgery to repair the tendon and nerve. he's now facing the possibility of a second surgery. and let me tell you, the bills are adding up. the reason why this is such a big deal is that my boyfriend is a gamer. his thumb is important. he could face losing something that's been a big part of his life since he was 3. he's also an IT guy at an online school. his life is built around the use of his hands, especially his thumb. anyway, it would be awesome if you could contribute something - anything - to go toward his second surgery. any amount is appreciated.
you can read it all (and donate) here:
http://www.indiegogo.com/nomorehadoukens
even if you can't donate, please share this with everyone you know.

floating
i feel the stillness, wash myself in transparent oasis
i missed this,
floating
stretching and pulling
forgetting the usual motions
sparkling in summer, squinting for vision
i close my eyes and hope this world is still there when i open them
splashing and not meaning to
that's what my whole life feels like, sometimes, splashing and not meaning to
but i forget that, in this moment at least, when serenity meets my dream world and the elements rejoice in ultimate unity
only then do i know that life is real,
when i'm submerged
and subtly gasping for air
something my body understands that my mind doesn't
the desperation, the flailing movement to keep
floating
quietly i'm sprawled across the surface, cushion beneath me, eternity above

almost

i'm almost there.