ever ever

the way you whisper
never ever ever ever leave
haunts me like the shadow of my past selves
i sit embarrassed by all the lies i tell
to myself, mostly
i dream my blue room will transport me
to worlds unknown
like the warmth of the sun's embrace or
the comfort of your arms
but mostly the worlds more mysterious than
my own mind more distant

the subtle sigh and shrug
my bones exhale
weary but pleased
and i know life will never be the same
just as each moment changes the next
every wave crashing against my skeleton
shivers travel across planes of time
and it stands still while we meander
here and there
where we always are

i like love

i like that you made me smile as i drifted off to sleep.
i like the way you hold my hand.
i like your long, slender fingers.
i like your legs stretched across me, on the couch, as we fall asleep, wherever.
i like the way you make me feel beautiful, always.
i like that you said i'm the best thing that's ever happened to you.
i like that i can say the same.

caress

a drop and the warmth swelled, swallowed me
my nose tingled from the spices
the pan sizzled
i grew in the knowledge -
knowing the evening air is light
and we're in love in one
touch and the walls collapse crumble
crash
the waves
bodies
lime drizzle rain for the beer ocean
and oceans empty in the blink of an eye
a silent cry
and a roarous
crash
sun blankets
morning cigarettes
and the smoke lingers in the shadows
work out wrap up to wake
up into the chocolate heaven
soulmate bliss
so late to hello
but early in every heart tremor every sigh
lovers' eyes sleepy tranquil
float to see
sea
and expanses beyond
out of arm's reach
through knife
into mouth
and back out again
into familiar home
a room of flesh
a kiss made glowing fluorescence
dim the lights and exhale
a floral symphony
let the music permeate every molecule
and mark every particle
with the sweet truth of forever
the breath of every death and rebirth
the caress of endless eternities

something again

i haven't used this blog "just to talk" in a while. honestly i don't know where my passion for writing has gone. i've been so uninspired and so distracted.
i'm writing here, now, because i'm lonely. i feel lonely and all sorts of other things i probably shouldn't be feeling. a few minutes ago i began to cry over my cup of chai, and i wondered where my life had gone. what's missing? what am i doing wrong? questions that have lately been popping into my head more frequently. though i'm a lot more stable than i was months ago, a year ago, i still feel like an empty shell. the only consistent social interaction i have (outside of my family) is with my boyfriend. i haven't seen friends in a while. i don't know where they've gone. or where i've gone. stacks of books remain unread. i fucked up a roll of film and hesitate to pick up a camera again. after a few nice months of employment, i'm back to being jobless. hopefully it doesn't last too long. but really, i don't know what i want anymore. i feel insecure, i feel inferior, and i don't even know what or who i'm comparing myself to. i feel like i'm so out there, so detached from society. how can i ever have something to compare to, to guide me, to make me feel less alone? really, i feel so so so much better than i did my first few months at home... but i'm concerned because lately i haven't really made much progress. i stopped seeing my therapist a few months ago. just last week my psychiatrist said i seem much better and don't really need therapy. i want to believe that i am, i really do. but something isn't right. or maybe i'm just looking for things to not be right, i don't know. i sometimes think i just like to keep myself miserable. when will i feel like myself again? how can i feel like myself again? medication only helps so much. the rest needs to come from somewhere inside me. some spark, some little something that lights my eyes and rejuvenates my soul. pushes my limbs to motion. presses life back into my body. makes me remember the meaning of simple life. the quiet and the raucous. the instructions for sanity. the anything and everything. i just want to feel something again. i want to be something again.

i'm tired of complaining and making excuses... so of course i do just that.

i sort of don't know what to say anymore.
i can't force myself to write...
well i force myself, but nothing happens...
well i'm not really trying.
not trying,
at anything.
floating

it'll all come to me sometime.
just need to be a little patient.
or a little more aggressive.
it'll come.

i'm sadly waiting

when i should be doing
something,
at least.

broken record,
that's all i'm becoming.

1/24

my beer warms and i wonder where you are today
how you carry around the baggage of sweet skin and careless pain
smoke can't fix everything
though we try and try and
collapse under the weight of winter...

hi new

it's a new year
so i guess it's time for a new post
although i
feel like i have nothing to
say
i'm becoming boring
and it's sort of
okay
routine is boring
i want to fight routine
i want to fight my job
and all the time i
don't get
to spend
with my boyfriend or
friends or
rediscovering my passions or
or
or
or

it's a new year but not much has
changed
nothing ever
changes
much

even the seasons
blend into one

spring in winter

i want something new
but i don't know what it is
yet

not the year
but something else

i want something new