spring

spring is finally kind of here.
life is pleasantly okay.
i'm looking forward to bright things ahead.
i'm happy that i believe there are bright things ahead, and that the dark days seem far behind me. :)

falling into place

things are starting to fall into place, or at least i finally have some movement happening in my life.
i'm returning to college this summer, i start volunteering at an animal shelter soon, i'm cooking and baking more and developing more recipes, i've started exercising again.
i'm still job hunting, but i'm proud of the progress i'm making so far.
for the first time in a while, my mood isn't really low. i have more energy and more hope. endorphins are a life saver. lots of things are contributing to my health right now, and i'm just glad i finally actually care about this stuff again. i finally care about life and being involved and making it worthwhile.

new year

i hope it's a good one.

mirror of erised

what do you think you'd see
if you looked into the mirror of erised?

tea, writing, coffee, thrifting, eating...
trying to sort things out,
trying to look ahead

overpacking for the hospital

instead of saying goodbye
to the world
i try to say goodbye
to my things
for a while
and i find
it's easier to do than i thought.
sitting in a room with nothing but a bed, a desk, my thoughts and my memories
i learn that those may be
all i need
to make it to the next day.
gathering things together becomes less important than
gathering sanity,
all the sanity
i had been saving for a rainy day.
all the sanity
buried within me
with the courage and strength
and all the other treasures
i thought were lost.
i put my life in nurses' and doctors' hands
and i realize they are not the ones
who will save me.
i may have overpacked for the hospital,
but when i left my stuff in the trunk of my car
i knew
i already had everything i needed.

healing

it's nice to feel the sting again, the soreness...
it's nice to have new artwork.
but sadly, though i once welcomed this feeling of aliveness, right now i find myself upset that i am even breathing, upset that i'm able to experience this.
because it means i still have to experience all the rest of life. the shitty mess that is life.
i appreciate having at least one thing to focus on that doesn't suck, but this hurting seems to just reflect all the other areas of my life that are hurting.
i have a high tolerance for pain... but how much emotional and psychological pain can a person handle before it becomes too much? every day it seems there are new things to depress me. and it all just adds up.
but like always, i will just try to take it one day at a time, and hope for better tomorrows.